Don't Get Back On The Horse

Recently I was speaking with a dear friend who just got back from an extended vacation intended to refresh him.  As he returned to his job and daily activities however, he found himself more demotivated and uninspired than ever. 

“I just can’t seem to get back on the horse”, he said.

When I was in Costa Rica on the Qoya retreat two years ago, one of the activities I chose was horseback riding.  I got thrown off a horse when I was 12 so I prayed for a calm, easy, gentle giant to return to riding.  My friend Becca on the other hand, saw a spotted looking thing with a punk rock haircut and a walleye.  “I want that one!”  she said. (Becca is a brilliant jewelry designer and has great taste for the eclectic. She owns a fabulous company with her Mother and sister called POUND. Check em' out.)

That bronco threw her off onto the rocky beach within 40 seconds.

In that moment, Becca had a choice to make.  She could be afraid of horses for the rest of her life, go back to her room and lick her wounds (justifiably), or she could “get back on the horse”. 

What would you do?

The bronco in question, Becca after the throw & a signature POUND treasure

Becca choose to get back on the horse.  The key thing is though, that she made sure to choose a different horse on which to ride. 

I often talk about how the double edged sword of living in such a conscious age is that while we are given so many tools to practice acceptance and improve our lives, sometimes we can use these tools to drive ourselves crazy.  Rather than choosing a different horse, we change the saddle, brush the horse, feed it carrots, and get frustrated when we get tossed off over and over again.

In my own journey, I saw this play out dramatically in my work life.  I worked at a corporate job in my twenties and stayed about three years past the point of when I wanted to leave. I hated my job. I felt like my soul was dying, I wasn’t sleeping and I had severe anxiety. When I encountered people who were passionate about their work I wanted to punch them in the face.  But every day I would write effing gratitude lists for my job, or I would buy flowers for my desk.  I would do all sorts of things to rearrange the deck furniture on this sinking ship.  The whole time I thought something was wrong with me that I couldn’t get back on the horse of productivity and professionalism.  What I realize now is that it would have made everyone’s life easier: myself, my family, my co-workers, if I had just listened to what my intuition that was telling me: find a different horse. 

I was raised on a horse farm, so I know about these things. :)

A very common question I get about using seduction as a spiritual practice is “how do you seduce yourself into something you don’t want to do?” Well, that is a contradiction in terms.   If you don’t want to do something, it has not, nor will it ever seduce you.  It first has to become more attractive. 

Let’s take working out as an example.  You want to get up in the morning and go to the gym but you just can’t seem to do it.  If this were me I would probably get myself some hot new workout clothes, find girlfriends to meet me at the gym in the morning, reward myself with a smoothie before my workout for even waking up, put gold stars on my calendar for every day I worked out, keep a special set of fancy bath products in my locker and worship my naked body in the mirror after my workout with sandalwood lotion.  The possibilities are endless!

However, there is one key factor that I am leaving out: at this time in my life, you couldn’t pay me to join a gym.

To me, gym culture feels violent, boring and stinks of self-loathing as a means to create transformation.  That ain’t Kitty Cavalier. (Note: there are people reading this who love the gym and I honor you.  It’s just not my journey right now.)  For me, I don’t exercise. Instead, I connect to this temple that houses my soul with pleasure based movement. Qoya, dancing in my living room, morning stretches in my bed, chasing Winnie through a grassy field, the occasional yoga class, lifting my leg to admire it and flexing it to feel musculature.  All of these “work me out”.  But I have given up on having a “workout schedule”.  It just doesn’t seduce me and never has.

Photo by Jodi Jones for Qoya

That being said, I spent at least 30 years of my life trying to fit into what exercise is supposed to look like.  I bought the gym clothes. I arranged the buddy meet ups. I made the smoothies.  But after so many years of trying and failing to “get back on the horse” it has become clear to me, that that is just not my horse to ride.

By accepting that fact, my body feels ecstatically happy and freer than ever.  All the mental clutter of self-judgment for being so bad for not exercising is gone, and what has taken its place is the time and energy to focus on the things that really seduce me.  And when I do that, I look back on my days with great love.

Ahhhh, seduction.  You get me every time.

Whirlin’ and Twirlin’,

Kitty Cavalier

PS - Want a seduction bomb that will crack open your inner seductress like an erupting volcano? Your Seductress Unveiled begins September 9th. Join us!

My Body Doesn't Need A Reason

My ideal customer.

Are you my ideal customer?

(The other day I was holding a puppy in a pet store and kept asking her “are you my dog?” I figured if I had to ask, the answer was probably no.)

This weekend I am throwing the party of the year: Intro to Qoya teacher training.  I have a few spots left, and I thought to myself this morning, “what would my ideal customer want to hear that would make them decide to come?”

Then I slapped myself in the face.

Qoya.  Nuff' said. 

Because that is simply not how we roll here at the School of Charm and Cheek.  When I write a piece, it is because I have a story I want to tell you.  Not because that story relates to whatever product is on the proverbial shelf that week, which might convince you to buy it.  I can smell that a mile away, and I know you can, too.  However, this week I do have a story to tell you, and it is about Qoya.  And while I do want to fill those spots with gorgeous, extraordinary, legendary women, I don’t want women there because they were seduced by hearing exactly what they wanted to hear.  The kind of seduction we practice is not like that.  The only women I want in that room are the women who have been called…where my words are simply an affirmation of their inner voice. 

So, without further ado, sit at my feet.  Lounge on a pillow as a sister strokes your hair.  Let me tell you a story….

Like most children, when I was young, I wished for supernatural powers.  I was, for the most part, convinced that I had them.  I could turn a rock into a crystal ball, a flat stone into a tablet on which I would communicate secret messages with my fairy Godmother.  The grave of my hamster was not some kid’s tribute to her furry friend.  It was a sacred, ancient burial ground that demanded respect. 

My supernatural powers felt most distinct when I would shoot out our back door like a bullet from a gun, screen door slamming behind me, lunging at my swing set/jungle gym with a ferociousness that I think made it brace for it’s own self.  I would hang upside down for hours and attempt death defying feats from the highest pole.  The slide? Please.  Don’t waste my time.  Give me the rings or give me death.

My fairy Godmother has always resembled Anjelica Huston in Mists of Avalon. 

Looking back now, I am able to see that my most potent magic would happen when I was enjoying my body.  Somewhere along the line, as it does with most young girls, that magic was tucked away.  For my own protection and the protection of the world around me, my feminine magic was locked in a chest.  But you know that fairy Godmother of mine.  She is one cheeky little minx.  She didn’t throw the key away like the culture would have her do.  She simply hid it in the folds of her dress, and eventually gave it to a friend of mine, to be given back to me when time was right. 

That friend is Rochelle Schieck.  Rochelle is Qoya’s founder. I’ve known Ro for several years and have been blessed to watch Qoya’s evolution.  About a year ago, I felt called to become a Qoya teacher. I want to let you in on one of the thousands of rewards that have come from making that decision.

This past weekend, I had one of the biggest ruptures of my life.  A relationship that I thought was going one way turned out to be going the complete opposite way.  I was blindsided. But was I really? Here’s the thing. When I received this news, I wasn’t so much shocked as I was relieved that my mind had finally caught up with my body. 

You see, my body knew all along what was really going on.  But because I couldn’t use logic to explain that feeling, I decided to let the outside world convince me that it was a feeling to be ignored. However, the nature of feelings is this: just like the key to that chest hidden in my fairy Godmother’s skirt, they never really get thrown away. They simply get altered. We adapt around them.  Kind of like the way the body can grow and adapt around a bullet after one has been shot.

Well, this weekend the bullet was pulled out.  And strangely, what fills this hole now, alongside tremendous grief, is a sense of relief and validation.  My body was right all along.  This has been the lesson of this experience: my body is always right.  She doesn’t need a reason.  She doesn’t need to explain. She may not offer words, but the feeling she offers is more than reason enough.

 

Solo Qoya in the desert

Where I learned this lesson most profoundly is in the Qoya classroom.  Had I not heard the messages of Qoya echo in my ears a thousand times “if it feels good, that is how you know you are doing it right; feel everything; there is no way you can do this wrong,” I would probably be clinging to trying to make the outcome of this situation different than it is.  But thanks to Qoya, I know the physical sensations of letting go, embracing the unknown, and doing what feels good, trusting that that will take me where I need to go.  And because I know what those feel like, I know how to put them into action

Last night I almost cancelled Qoya because I was feeling so sad.  But I forced myself to go, and waiting for me there was the bosom of my fairy Godmother herself, found in the magic of dancing, shaking, saluting the sun, sensing, feeling and surrendering. I left there remembering what it feels like for everything to be ok. 

If this story speaks to you, if my words resonate with the words that live in your heart, I invite you to join me and a badass group of dancing revolutionaries this weekend.  There is no experience necessary.

You are stronger than you think you are. 

More creative.

More brilliant. 

More courageous. 

More wise.

Through movement, we remember.

Qoya teachers are the leaders in remembering.

We remember that as women, our essence is wise, wild and free.

This Week In The Seduction Diaries

It’s the week before the very first Kitty Cavalier Seduction Retreat.  It feels a bit like a holiday week.  I can feel it coming in the air, like smelling the fragrance of cookies that were baked yesterday still lingering in the kitchen.

Last I left you, we were all on the edge of our seats to see if my Mom would say yes to my invitation to attend the retreat. On Saturday afternoon I emerged from the subway and felt my phone buzz in my pocket, and opened it to this joyous message!

YES! She is coming! Not without a few twists and turns in the seduction process but yes, Mama Cavalier will be joining us in seduction at this weekends retreat. I am so grateful to have this opportunity and experience with my Mama. 

This week I am steeping myself like a tea bag in the waters of seduction.  I made myself a list of things to do this week to prepare:
   
   1. Relax
   2. Pamper
   3.  Read
   4.  Qoya
   5.   Pray

In case I should find myself mindlessly trolling Facebook or experiencing pre-show jitters, I have this list to turn to, keeping my priorities in order.

Qoya, the #1 way to bring me back down to Earth.  Literally. 

I am writing this from the gorgeous home of Vivi Le Voix, burlesque star and professional baker.  She is my best friend and will be my right hand woman at the retreat, serving us her custom cupcakes at our champagne seduction gala Saturday night. 

Cupcakes by Vivi

Oh, and tomorrow I am having the six stitches that I incurred on my vacation taken out of my face. Wait until you hear that story!

The seduction wagon leaves for Chester on Friday morning with me, the husby, my assistants Vivi Le Voix and Freddie La Bum, huge bouquets of flowers, and all sorts of gifts and treasures waiting for the participants.  I can’t wait.

www.seductionretreat.com

Til’ next week, when my diary entry will be written by the hands of a woman who has seen yet another of her greatest dreams realized,

Kitty

Turning Kings Into Dogs: Reporting Live From Costa Rica

The cards of influence - Baba Yaga, Obsession and Bast

"Once upon a time there was a woman whose community needed her.  They needed her spicy, untamed, dragon-breath, crone-faced, baby-faced, drum beating, unicorn-rearing wildness.  It took a lot for her to deliver, but she knew she could.  She knew she must.

So with her scarlet skirt and her hair on fire; red rims around her eyes to match the red rim of her mouth to match the red rounds of her nipples, she emerged. She seduced with her sparkle and entranced with her gaze. Her fragrance hypnotized the entire land, turning kings into dogs.  A spell had been cast, a wickedly lovely obsession with her red, red, red, red everything.

She pressed her heart forward and looked up to the sky, turning everything red into a soft, warm, white.  The dogs became agile, keen cats; the dust that had settled for so long became a shower of the exact nutrient the community had been calling for; and bright light shone from above, brightening, warming and electrifying everything in it’s path."

I am here on the annual Costa Rica Qoya Retreat, having an amazing time. The story written above is a ritual that we did as a group called a three-card story.  You pull three cards, one signifying the beginning of the story, one the middle and one the end.  Then the group all begins writing the story with the same line, and every story is different.  When I read mine aloud, my friend said, “that sounds like one of your blogs”.

(Woooo! What a compliment!)

Beach dancing with the Qoya Queens

I had several motivations for coming to this retreat, but one of the strongest was inspiration. I am about to lead my first seduction retreat in May, and I am so blessed to be having this experience as a student to inform my experience as a teacher. 

I chose to share this story with you because it is a perfect example of how what can happen on a retreat is so different from what can happen in a classroom.  A retreat is all about removing oneself from the day-to-day and opening to a new way of living, which introduces you to a whole new part of yourself.  Being in nature, being in community, and being immersed in an experience is life changing. This three card story is more expansive, more transparent, and more creative than anything I could write after a day of riding the subway and doing errands in New York.

In addition to the ecstasy of the things that are planned on a retreat, there is also the magic of the unplanned. Some of the unexpected adventures that have come about so far this week: a hugely excavating emotional ride, ocean skinny dipping in the middle of the day with 30 incredible Qoya queens, purchasing the sexiest yoga clothes ever (hello??? I didn’t think those existed) and a spontaneous naked photo shoot with my one of my best friends after a few glasses of wine and a few coconuts; and there are still three days to go.  I’d like to say, “I can only imagine” about the beautiful surprises that await us on the seduction retreat, but truth is I can’t.  That’s what makes them so fun.

I have had so much fun coming up to a gorgeous, open-air sun porch every afternoon, putting a straw in a coconut and finishing off the curriculum for the Seduction Is A Way Of Life retreat.  This week I have gotten to know myself as a seductress more profoundly than ever before. 

If you are feeling seduced, join us by taking one of the two remaining spots.  I would relish the honor of steeping you in Sacred Seduction.

With a hibiscus flower in my hair,

Kitty Cavalier 

Little Altars Everywhere

The first time I created an altar in my home, I remember treating it similarly to how I imagine one might treat nuclear material. I scrubbed the table I was using to the bone because I read somewhere that dust holds negative energy. I went to the health food store and saw all the different colored candles, each representing a different chakra. I was so afraid of excluding a chakra, I bought every color they had.  The same went for the incense. (thank you consumerism!) I started a “vision board” of all the things I wanted to transform in my life and placed it above the altar.  I would kneel in front of the altar when I got home from work every day (for about a week), burning the candles and trying to meditate, the whole time I was wondering if this was, indeed, the best feng-shui corner in the house to place the altar and whether or not it was clean enough.

JEEZ! It makes my palms sweat just thinking about that experiment.

I look back on that time with great compassion for myself.  What I realize now is that  I did not create that altar out of an overflow of devotion.  I created it because I wanted to find a way to heal things in my life that needed healing, but without having to do the scary stuff.  Like healing my ovarian cyst without surgery.  Or making all the people I hated at work less obnoxious without having to speak up.  And while we’re at it, adding more sex to my relationship without having to get out of my pajama pants.  And p.s., fixing my raging eating disorder.  No wonder the poor altar had performance anxiety!  

I have since learned that in the words of Annie Lennox, “Money Can’t Buy It.” You can ship salt from the Himalayas, fine incense from Tibet, the blood of a desert snake in Santa Fe and all the rest, but none of these things begin to compare with the power of collecting objects that mean something to you. 

My goal in my home is to make it one big giant altar.  I have little altars everywhere.  To me, an altar is any arrangement of beauty that honors the sacred.  It is something that reminds me that magic is real, that there is so much more to life that what we see with the naked eye.  What works best for me is to create altars of gratitude and honoring.  In contrast, I find that when I make an altar dedicated to a transformation I want to experience with images cut out of magazines and such, it makes me so fixed on the outcome that I start to obsess over it, excluding room for the transformation to actually happen. 

Here are some examples of altars I have created in my home and what they mean to me.  I would love to see yours too! You can post them here on the School of Charm and Cheek Facebook page. Or, if this post inspires you to see an altar where you did not see one before, as you will see in the photo at my Mother in-law’s house below, please share that too.

Altar On!

Kitty Cavalier

PS - Veronica Varlow is someone who taught me ALOT about finding the sacred and magic in the little things.  She is teaching a class at the School of Charm and Cheek March 23rd which is almost sold out.  I highly recommend this class if you would like to find beauty and magic in corners of your life that you would not have previously thought to look.

This is my bedroom dressing table.  Framing the mirror are necklaces , many of which were gifts, some which
were handmade by a dear friend.  On the dressing table are my favorite oils and lotions, handmade by my Mother. 

This Guest Altar belongs to my student Coco Chacnhil. It is an altar to Sacred Seduction that she created after taking my workshop.  It contains rose petals, chocolate, elegantly dressed fruit with goat cheese, the lyrics to a French song we learned in class, and a whole bunch of other personal items that mean something very special to her. 

This little bowl sits on my nightstand, and contains glass beads from  a vintage necklace, a stone from the driveway of my Dad's horse stable in South Carolina, and a nut that fell from a tree while vacationing with my husband in France.  I sprinkled a little glitter on it for additional sparkle. 

This altar is the first altar I ever made to honor Sacred seduction.  It has a green buddha lit up from below with white light, representing enlightenment with a little more pizazz than what we are accustomed to.  The word rejection is turned on it's head and covered with hearts to represent the belief that rejection is always a form of protection.  There are sweet watercolors to represent tenderness and vulnerability, sparkles and fur to represent making the old new again.  The marble carving reminds me of the Taj Mahal and honors the original archetypes of seduction. In the center, is an opera singer who is draped in red silk; a picture of pure passion in my eyes. 

I bought this when I was in Peru, and it graces a shelf in my bathroom, honoring true, long lasting love.

This is an altar, isn't it?? ;)

A gratitude altar for a successful Seduction class with my favorite Rumi poem "dance when you are broken open",  roses and a red candle from the classroom, and a variety of sacred objects surrounding the candle. 

This is a stone from the fire pit after my first fire ceremony at the Qoya Costa Rica retreat,  a piece of yarn from another ritual done in Costa Rica, a thank you charm that was a gift from a friend, and pink glitter to make everything shine.


This is in the home of my Mother in-law.  At first glance it is just an assembly of photos, but when looked at more closely it is an altar to family and love.  There are two photos of my nieces/her grandchildren, with a photo of her parents in the middle, and an album from our wedding under that, all placed on the piano where my husband learned to play his famous song "Ho-Down" as a kid.  So much sacredness on this altar!