The Sexiest Thing I Can Think Of

Today I am sitting in the lobby of a Best Western after a patience-trying experience while trying to buy a diet Pepsi in the gift shop.  Later on, I will be hiking in the Grand Canyon with my husband.  Funny how even in a motel in Tusayan, AZ, you can learn the greatest lessons in seduction. 

Last night I had an experience that made me think of a question I get often from women: “how do I embody seduction into every area of my life, all the time”.  Shortcut to the answer: you already do.  Seduction is not necessarily something to be done, it is something to be surrendered to. 

Husby and I on our way up the mountain

Seduction is the part of us that says yes or no.  It is the force that can attract a wonderful experience like hiking the Grand Canyon, or the kind of experience where the purchase of a diet soda can make you doubt your faith in humanity. 

What I find that people are often wondering when they ask this question is “how do I make life sexy all the time? How do I feel gorgeous and beautiful all the time"? Last night, I REALLY wanted to wear my most gorgeous orange floor length maxi dress to dinner. The thing about this dress however, is that with the slightest chill in the air, you can see my nipples.  Like, a lot.  It’s really one of my favorite things about the dress, and it makes me feel super sexy.  When I wear this dress I feel like an absolute Goddess, like I just stepped out of a waterfall riding a unicorn.  Who could say no to that, right?

However.

Wearing the dress in question, holding a munchkin

We were dining in the basement café of the Best Western.  It was right across the hall from the arcade.  Do I really want to show my nipples to the Best Western Grand Canyon crowd? Not today Josephine.  I just wasn’t feeling it to be a sex Goddess in that moment (even though my body which had been wearing red dust covered jeans for a week longed for that experience).  And boy howdy, am I glad I listened to my intuition. If I had worn that dress I would have had my attention on how I was being interpreted by the bikers and cowboys playing pool, not on my evening with my husband.  Playing air hockey in the arcade would have been near impossible.  This may seem like frivolous mastication of ones wardrobe choices, but that choice determined everything about my night. By listening to my intuition, I gave myself a beautiful evening, present and happy. And that, dear friends, is the sexiest thing that I can think of. 

Heating up the desert with a Qoya hip-opener

PS – the very same woman who pissed me off in the gift shop just came over and said “I admire you”.  When I asked her why, she said it was because of my fierce typing skills that she had been observing this whole time.  Aint’ love grand?? 

Seduction & My Mother

At least I could seduce her into showing off her sparkly top

If I had to choose who has been the biggest teacher of seduction in my life, it would be my mother.  As a child, I could seduce her into anything - hanging out with me, playing with me, letting me eat cookies, doing death defying stunts on a jungle gym, etc.  As a teenager I further refined my skills by pleading with her to buy me clothes, take me to McDonald’s for dinner and let me stay out late.  I became increasingly successful over the years.

As I’ve become an adult however, she’s toughened up a bit.

My Mom is, in fact, the toughest nut there is to crack.  When I want her to do something, she is the one person I know that no matter how hard I try to seduce her, I can’t get her to break unless she wants to.  Even then, it’s like dragging a boulder up a hill.   

I was on the phone with her the other day talking about the possibility of her coming to my May Seduction Retreat. Of course, I deeply, deeply desire for her to be there. She feels like the travel would be too much right now.  She just had a major surgery a few months ago and it takes a lot for her to get to the Northeast from the South.  My instinct upon hearing this was anger. “If she knew how important this was to me, she would come.”  I had the impulse to boss her into it, plead for her to come, or act nonchalant so as to try to trick her into it.  But this, my friends, is not seduction.  Not in the least.

There is a belief we have been taught about seduction that if we do not achieve the outcome we desire, we have failed in our seduction efforts.  This puts seduction in the realm of control and manipulation, assuming that a master seductress can get anything she wants, whenever she wants, through some sort of sneaky, unseen power. In my eyes however, this would be a move of insecurity and lack of trust.  The move of seduction is not to assert control, it is actually an act of giving up control.

How do we achieve seductive success 100% of the time? We acknowledge that seduction is a two-way street.  What I want the most for my retreat is to have a room full of women who REALLY want to be there. So I said to my Mom “look, I want you to be there, but only if you really want it. I am trusting you to trust your own intuition.”  Instantly we both felt better.  In saying this to her I had taken the seduction away from manipulation and into a place of MAGNETISM.  Magnets have the power to attract, and they also have the power to repel.  Seduction is a practice in surrendering to this force.  If I had asserted that my Mom must come to the retreat, she would resent me and resent being there.  By releasing my attachment to the outcome, I allow for my truth and her truth to intermingle, creating a whole new outcome – one that is far better than anything we could dream up on our own.

Will she come to the retreat? Stay tuned.

Will you come to the retreat? I am on the edge of my seat.  

Turning Kings Into Dogs: Reporting Live From Costa Rica

The cards of influence - Baba Yaga, Obsession and Bast

"Once upon a time there was a woman whose community needed her.  They needed her spicy, untamed, dragon-breath, crone-faced, baby-faced, drum beating, unicorn-rearing wildness.  It took a lot for her to deliver, but she knew she could.  She knew she must.

So with her scarlet skirt and her hair on fire; red rims around her eyes to match the red rim of her mouth to match the red rounds of her nipples, she emerged. She seduced with her sparkle and entranced with her gaze. Her fragrance hypnotized the entire land, turning kings into dogs.  A spell had been cast, a wickedly lovely obsession with her red, red, red, red everything.

She pressed her heart forward and looked up to the sky, turning everything red into a soft, warm, white.  The dogs became agile, keen cats; the dust that had settled for so long became a shower of the exact nutrient the community had been calling for; and bright light shone from above, brightening, warming and electrifying everything in it’s path."

I am here on the annual Costa Rica Qoya Retreat, having an amazing time. The story written above is a ritual that we did as a group called a three-card story.  You pull three cards, one signifying the beginning of the story, one the middle and one the end.  Then the group all begins writing the story with the same line, and every story is different.  When I read mine aloud, my friend said, “that sounds like one of your blogs”.

(Woooo! What a compliment!)

Beach dancing with the Qoya Queens

I had several motivations for coming to this retreat, but one of the strongest was inspiration. I am about to lead my first seduction retreat in May, and I am so blessed to be having this experience as a student to inform my experience as a teacher. 

I chose to share this story with you because it is a perfect example of how what can happen on a retreat is so different from what can happen in a classroom.  A retreat is all about removing oneself from the day-to-day and opening to a new way of living, which introduces you to a whole new part of yourself.  Being in nature, being in community, and being immersed in an experience is life changing. This three card story is more expansive, more transparent, and more creative than anything I could write after a day of riding the subway and doing errands in New York.

In addition to the ecstasy of the things that are planned on a retreat, there is also the magic of the unplanned. Some of the unexpected adventures that have come about so far this week: a hugely excavating emotional ride, ocean skinny dipping in the middle of the day with 30 incredible Qoya queens, purchasing the sexiest yoga clothes ever (hello??? I didn’t think those existed) and a spontaneous naked photo shoot with my one of my best friends after a few glasses of wine and a few coconuts; and there are still three days to go.  I’d like to say, “I can only imagine” about the beautiful surprises that await us on the seduction retreat, but truth is I can’t.  That’s what makes them so fun.

I have had so much fun coming up to a gorgeous, open-air sun porch every afternoon, putting a straw in a coconut and finishing off the curriculum for the Seduction Is A Way Of Life retreat.  This week I have gotten to know myself as a seductress more profoundly than ever before. 

If you are feeling seduced, join us by taking one of the two remaining spots.  I would relish the honor of steeping you in Sacred Seduction.

With a hibiscus flower in my hair,

Kitty Cavalier 

Orgasm Envy

Recently I was speaking with a client the about areas of her life she would like to receive the advice of a seduction advisor (me).  “Self-pleasuring” was her choice.

“Oy”, I thought.  We teach what we most want to learn, isn’t that what they say?

My relationship to self-pleasuring (aka masturbation) is one that has seen several seasons throughout my life.  When I was a kid I was certain that I would burn in hell for just the overwhelming curiosity I felt about my private parts, not to mention the pleasure that came from exploring them.  Later in life, I came to terms with the fact that this was a normal part of life, but still felt shame around the whole topic, and kind of felt like a loser that I even had to self-pleasure, like I should have such a hot sex life that it shouldn’t even be necessary. 

After experiencing my own sensual/sexual renaissance over the past 5 years, I find that the guilt has shifted gears.  I no longer feel guilty or shameful about how frequently I self-pleasure, I now feel guilt and shame about the fact that I don’t self-pleasure enough!

Money-gasm!

One of the gifts of living in this day and age is that there is no lack of educative tools available to us on how to have great orgasms and sex.  Books, DVD’s, courses, hands-on practice; the world of a woman’s orgasm is beginning to come out from the rock it took refuge under when it was blamed for being a reason to burn someone at the stake. I feel immeasurable gratitude to all of our sensual/sexual pioneers who have gone where few were brave enough to go and had the courage to tell the tale. 

However, the fact is that we still live in a dominator paradigm .  While the goal of the paradigm shift is for women to feel better about sex and orgasms, what can sometimes happen is that our black and white thinking causes us to doubt ourselves when we hear about the good times everyone else is having.  For example, we may read about how another woman is orgasming, and think “Gosh, I’m not orgasming like that. There must be something wrong with me.  My orgasm is not sufficient. Therefore, I suck.” I don’t know about you, but there are few thoughts that throw cold water on my sensual fire faster than “I suck”. 

This one is for all us girls who have come so far, and yet have so much farther that we want to go. 

1. The sex/orgasms you are having are the best that there is to have
I remember being a kid and my best friend being obsessed with whether or not the green that I saw was the same as the green she saw.  How do we know that what I see as green is not what she sees as yellow? Or red? How could we ever know??? Such is the same with sex and orgasm.  If you catch yourself thinking “my orgasm is not as good as this sex expert, or this tantra master, or this friend of mine…” that is your signal to ZIP IT! How do you know? How do you know that the orgasms you are having are not ten ga-jillion times better than theirs? You don’t.  You can’t.  So love what you got. 
 
2. Fantasy isn’t what you use to check out, even if you think it is
Many of the women I have encountered feel bad that they fantasize to get off. They feel that they should be more present, more in their body, or that there is something wrong with them or their relationships if they have to fantasize.  One of the gifts of being a

woman is our ability to fantasize.  Have you ever planned your wedding with someone while on your first date with them?  We tend to criticize ourselves for this instinct: “God, I’m so co-dependent! I can’t even go out on a date without hitching my wagon to this person til’ the end of time!” No.  You just have a vivid imagination.  I have picked out my wedding gown and the names of my children with every lover I have ever had.  I still think about it to this day.  That does not mean I do not love my husband, or that I even remotely want to marry these people.  It just means that my imagination is in great shape (and I know how to plan a fabulous party.)  How does this relate to sexual fantasy? Arousal is a trance state. It requires us to blur the lines between what is real and what is not.  What causes us to check out of our bodies is not the fantasy itself; it is the judgment of the fantasy. Embrace your fantasies them and enjoy them, and see if you don’t end up feeling even more present in your body as a result.
 
 
3. Sex is weird, when done right
There is nothing more anxiety-producing and annihilating to turn-on than the idea that things should be different, smell different, or look different than they actually are/do. For years during sex I would put on what Drew from the movie Office Space so eloquently calls “The Oh-Face” during sex.  Finally I realized that this expression was not an actual representation of what I was feeling, it was an imitation of what I had seen in pornography.  When I surrendered to what I was really feeling, the faces and noises I made were not exactly, shall we say, graceful.  But golly, were they more sexy and fun! Watch any nature show that shows animals mating, and my point is confirmed – sex is totally weird.  It is when we try to make it not weird that we create so many problems. Just let it be weird. 

Bird of Paradise shape-shifts when mating

    4. You animal!
To further that point, arousal is something that requires us to surrender to an animal state.  For example: let’s say I put some chocolate truffles and layer cakes on a tray to be enjoyed as a sensual treat.  I can delicately take each truffle in my fingers, inhale their aromas, let them melt on my tongue, and have a lovely and tidy sensual time.  But, if I want to actually get turned on, I have to become my sexual animal.  This might mean, for example, taking off all my clothes, lighting every candle in my bedroom, putting on some music that has a throb to it, and stalking my prey.  Being messy with the chocolate, smearing it on my skin, then licking and biting it off myself.  Or maybe tying my hands behind my back and eating the layer cake with no hands! Like I said, sex is weird. Let the animal arousal freak flag fly, and do it with gusto.

 
5. Let sex seduce you
We all want more frequent and better sex.  But the truth is, what we really want is to WANT more frequent and better sex.  If sex with a partner or self-pleasuring doesn’t appeal to you right now, I see two options: you can surrender to where the tides have taken you in this moment, or you can steer your ship toward the object of your desire by making it more appealing.
 
For example: I get so much satisfaction out of working right now.  I totally get off on writing a good blog, creating an amazing class, daydreaming about my retreat.  Hell, even ordering pens the other day gave me a significant buzz.  Simultaneously, I have a strong desire to have a rock em’, sock em’ self-pleasuring life.  I know that simply by virtue of having that desire, someday that will become my reality.  When I am ready, some book will cross my path or I will hear some lyric in a song that totally turns me on to self-pleasuring in a whole new way.  Then you won’t see me for a few months and I will resurface with a whole new list of blogs to write. But for today, being Kitty Cavalier and creating The School of Charm and Cheek is where the tide of seduction has placed me, and there is no place I’d rather be.  I know the tides will eventually shift, and then, I will be off on a new adventure.
 
If, however, I wish to steer the ship more towards the fulfillment of my desire, what I must do is make it more attractive.  We don’t resist things because we are undisciplined; we resist them because the way they are being presented is just not attractive enough.  I can make a self-pleasuring ritual more attractive by acquiring some new erotica, writing erotica myself, buying new lubricants and seeing which is my favorite, etc.
There is always a way to give things a new luster, it just takes a little seductive thought.

The moral of the story is: as with any seduction, making the goal a specific end result never effective.  The only way to practice seduction successfully is to take the ride for the adventure, for it is the adventure itself that ultimately directs the tides to what we truly desire.

Orgasm On, (or not)

Kitty

PS - The key to seduction of any kind, sex or otherwise: not just accepting, but indulging in everything you are.  Join us for some serious indulgence May 3-5th at Seduction Is A Way of Life, the Kitty Cavalier retreat.