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Tuesday, August 14, 2012

I lost 30 pounds...Oh No!


I definitely used to "Mousercise" with Mickey
Mouse Clubhouse.  If only I could find that photo.
So.  Recently, I lost 30 pounds.

I remember sitting in front of the mirror at 17, pinching my belly, rounding my spine as much as possible to get my belly to look like Jabba the Hut, praying that I would be struck with enough self hatred to lead to an “ah ha!” moment. One that would make me say “enough is enough” and result in me losing 30 pounds like those lucky bitches I read about every month in Self magazine. When I was 17, and I saw my precious teenage body changing and growing beyond my control, I decided that 170 was the weight that I would start seriously considering suicide.  I got up to about 170 at age 18, and then dipped down to 150 after a summer of, well, drugs.  For me, at any point in my life, a significant weight loss can be a big deal.

After my teen years, I went deep down into how I felt about and treated my body.  I did A LOT of inner work to change how I felt about my curves. I did have a miraculous transformation, but I didn’t lose a single pound.  What changed was my belief about beauty, bodies, being a woman, everything.  One of the results of this work was becoming a burlesque performer.  As a woman with a curvaceous, voluptuous body, burlesque taught me that it is not the flat stomach or the perky boobs that make a woman.  It is her smile, her light, and how much she loves herself that will determine how the audience, and the world, feels about her. This was a huge lesson for me that spilled over into every area of my life.  

As I was performing and teaching my burlesque/seduction classes,  my weight vacillated between 165 and 175.  I was fine with that, and my students loved it.  They loved my body.  They loved to watch me dance and perform and seduce.  I didn’t have the “perfect” body, but I sure as hell didn’t care, and that opened up the possibility for them to not care either.  Many women told me how watching me perform profoundly changed how they felt about their own bodies.  Once, after performing at a dear friend’s engagement party, an icon from the fashion world came up to me and said “Kitty, your body makes me want to gain weight”. Wow, I thought.  My body is powerful.

So, after making some changes in my self care over the last few months, imagine my surprise when I hopped on the scale at the doctor’s office and the nurse reported in a blase tone “151”.  
What?  Check again. That’s not possible. How could I have lost 25 pounds? I knew my clothes felt smaller, but Jesus! For a girl who used to weigh herself before and after a poop just for the satisfaction of seeing the ounces go down, this was going to take some adjusting.

The most shocking thing is, after a lifetime of weight loss being a holy grail, my first reaction was to hearing that number was “Oh NO!” Who am I without my total voluptuousness?  My body is my edge.  I mean, who is going to trust a girl that promotes body adoration if she herself doesn’t have a belly paunch? And what about my acts? I will no longer be making a political statement with my body, I’ll look like I’m just doing it to look pretty! And what about when I meet people and tell them what I do? With fat on my body I felt protected.  Like, “yes I teach seduction and striptease to empower women, you got a problem with that?” Without that protection I felt like I would be judged as slutty, vapid, without substance.  Just another skinny girl trying to make women conform to what the culture says their body should look like.

Then I heard a voice (inside my head): “Hey cutie! Knock, Knock! Who’s thinking these things? Them, or YOU?” It’s kind of funny and really humbling when you realize that after dedicating your life to women loving their bodies, you actually judge the living hell out of women with bodies that look more like the culture’s feminine ideal.

So this is my next life lesson.  Learning to love my body at any weight.  Even a lower one.  Of course I enjoy feeling more comfortable in my clothes, feeling lighter and stronger and more connected to my body.  But what I am working on right now is that I do not need my body to speak for me.  My body is going to change and evolve with me throughout my whole life. I have a voice.   I have a life I am living.  I have thoughts, dreams and opinions to share. So as I go on being myself, let’s just let her be herself too.

You also have a voice,  thoughts, and  opinions, and I would love to hear them.  Leave me a comment on loving bodies of all sizes, your experiences with changes in weight, or anything you
would like to share with me in the comments below.  

And, if body love, body worship and body adoration is something you could use a leg-up with, join me for Seduction Is A Spiritual Practice, September 14th and 15th.

9 comments:

  1. I love this post. I keep saying to myself that change will occur only when I learn to love myself regardless of the roundness of my curves. That my smile and opinions and presence are much more important than my dress size and for the most part I truly believe that. But believing it is different from living it. Honestly, my weight has never vacillated. It has just inched up throughout the years but it is this creeping that catches up to you and you look in the mirror and think..."Yikes! What happened?" I want to get to the point where I can look in the mirror and say, "Yes! I know exactly where I am and where I want to be." Thank you for sharing and congratulations on being just right.

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    1. Yay Millie! Would love to meet you someday, check out my other blog on Adoration, for a little inspiration on loving your curves no matter what. (link below) Thanks for commenting...hope to meet you someday!

      http://kittycavalier.blogspot.com/2012/07/there-is-such-thing-as-perfect-body.html

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  2. Best post EVAH, Kitty! How vividly you write about the weight loss struggle, you need to be on prime time teaching women that. Yeah you don't have the extra weight any more, but I think women are going to believe you anyway. I have been obsessed with my body weight only to discover, when I was actually able to lose it and go below a certain number, that I did NOT want to lose it. What you say that you are allowing your body to have her own life and experience, is profound. YES to treating our bodies with respect and not trying to control them.

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    1. YES to treating our bodies with respect and love!
      YES to being on Primetime!
      YES to you!

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  3. Yes, Kitty! Isn't it amazing how that little gremlin pops up when we least expect it? And for the strangest things! I hear your fear about what other people would possibly think or say. And knowing you forever, I can tell you that it has always been more than your weight or your body that people were drawn to. It has always been your smile, your humor, your attitude, your love of life, and the basic fact that you kick ass. I'm glad thin girls can be sexy burlesque dancers, too. Can't wait to revel in one your classes someday. Give life hell, at whatever weight your body feels like being that day. Love and kisses, always.

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    1. Awww Mare! I love knowing that out there in Hawaii is my sister in ass kicking, grabbing life by the short and curlies! ;) Thanks for commenting, love, love, love!

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  4. Courtney G- Denver, CoAugust 14, 2012 at 9:11 PM

    You are fantastic! Enough said....

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  5. I think for me that it is interesting how I try to keep myself at a certain weight. "I want to weigh at least 130" I always say to myself, where I know I look and feel good and comfortable in my clothes. I'll know I have enough muscle on my body, and my face wont be too thin.
    Then, for the last year, where I have gone through many different stressful life changes, my weight keeps dropping. Right now I am struggling to be at 120. I have lost about 10 pounds since I moved to SC and started teaching. Man I am so stressed out, and so nervous and anxious in the morning that I can't even force myself to eat. My day goes by non-stop, without even a moment to sit behind my new teachers desk, that I usually miss lunch. And then when its time for dinner I end up just eating cereal or eggs.
    Am I taking care of myself so I can be the best teacher I can be? Nope.
    I like and appreciate so much how openly you write about things. It makes me reflect on how I am treating myself right now, and my own perception, not other peoples. It shouldn't be how much I weigh. It it way more important how I feel inside and out, and what my heart, mind, and soul are telling me to do. Thanks for being you, and being the wonderful inspiring woman you are <3

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