Scheherazade

Scheherazade.

Say it with me.

Just saying the name invokes seduction.

You may have heard her name before. But do you know her story? 

Once there was a Sultan, who after being betrayed by his wife, had taken to marrying a new virgin bride every day. The morning after his wedding he would order the new bride beheaded out of anger at the transgressions of his first wife. He was convinced his bride’s early death was the only way to keep a woman faithful. Until he encountered Scheherazade.

Scheherazade was the daughter of a political advisor who spent most of her time reading hundreds of books.  She ravenously consumed information on everything from poetry to philosophy, science, art, history, war...anything she could get her hands on.  After passionately pursing her own education she became a magnificent storyteller with a wit as sly as a fox.

Against her father's wishes, Scheherazade volunteered to spend one night with the King. (excuse me - VOLUNTEERED!) Once in the King's chambers, she asked if she might bid farewell to her sister.  When her sister entered the room, Scheherazade began to tell her one last bedtime story. The King lay awake and listened with awe. As dawn broke, Scheherazade stopped in the middle of the story. The King asked her to finish, but since the day had already arrived, there was not time. The King decided to spare her life for one more day to finish the story the next night. So the next night, Scheherazade finished the story, and then began a second, even more exciting tale which she again stopped halfway through, at dawn. So the King again spared her life for one day to finish the second story. And so Scheherazade kept herself alive day by day, leaving the King eagerly anticipating the finishing of last night's story.

At the end of one thousand and one nights, Scheherazade told the King that she had no more tales to tell him. But of course, the King had already fallen in love with her, and over time she had borne him three sons. Having been made a wiser and kinder man by Scheherazade and her tales, he spared her life, and made her his Queen.

Ahhhhh. I could spend a whole week taking this tale apart like an old pocket watch, holding each individual piece up to the light to marvel at it's genius. One of the things I love the most is that in no text I have ever read about Scheherazade does it make a single reference to her beauty.  Often when we think of seduction, the first place our minds tend to go as women is to what we look like.  We are presented with images in our culture of bikini models and sex symbols as being the epitome of the seductress. And yet, how many of us have ever met a woman who is stunning according to the standards of society, yet can barely carry on a conversation? I remember going out on dates when I was 21, having just moved to NYC, spending HOURS preparing myself, blowing hundreds of dollars on my mani/pedi/blowout/waxing/whatever. I'd arrive at the bar, perfectly coiffed but quiet as a mouse, praying that somehow my $25 lip gloss might be able to carry me through.  

After studying the true nature of seduction, I've discovered that physical beauty matters about 2%.  Maybe a little less.  Seduction starts within. Your confidence, your glow, your ability to create fun and outrageous joy no matter the circumstance; these are the bones of living life as a Sacred Seductress.  Don't get me wrong, I still fluff before going out.  But I now understand that the element of physical beauty is kind of like the cherry and whipped cream on a sundae - absolutely essential to it's completion, and yet a topping just the same. 

Scheherazade is just one of the legends we study in Seduction Is A Spiritual Practice, happening July 13th and 14th.  There is a whole section of the class dedicated to her and her genius.  I would tell you the rest of the legends we will be exploring, but alas, dawn is breaking and I must go now. :)

Hoping to see you in July. 

A Story of Birth and Seduction

On this rainy afternoon, I find myself sitting down to write a blog because it’s time to write a blog.  Time to produce.  Time to pump one out.  But truthfully, I am post-partum people!  I have just given birth to a beautiful, gorgeous, powerhouse of a class - Seduction Is A Spiritual Practice.  And it is time to hold her in my arms, smell her little head, and tell her birth story.  

Until about six months ago, the topic of seduction used to simultaneously scare me to death and intrigue me beyond words. I always associated seduction with manipulation, never revealing one's true self, never being vulnerable, and using sex as a commodity. But then, simultaneously, when I would read a story about a seductress, I would burn with envy and desire. When I looked at my icons, all of them seemed to be masters of seduction.  So, because I like a little buck in my bronco, I decided to take this topic on, plunge in head first, and make it a Pleasure Project.

A Pleasure Project is what I do when something scares me, or mystifies me, or just confuses me, and I take it on as research - like an anthropologist. Whenever I feel called to take on a new pleasure project, it is not because I'm bored or need something to do. It is because something in me is calling, tugging at me, desiring to be explored and expressed. Take, for example, G-spot orgasms.  This may be an over-share, (sorry parents and husband) but this topic is something that has been on my radar forever, and I've always wanted to learn more. But simultaneously I feel exhausted at the prospect of exploring such a diverse and confronting topic. So last night I when I went to buy my favorite skin care products and the store was closed, and I found myself right next door to Babeland (a female friendly sex shop here in NY) I knew it was time.  So, with the help of a sweet and knowledgeable female associate, I courageously blew $400 on all things G.  Wish me luck. We'll see if that research makes it into the blog.

In The Tepidarium, Sir Lawrence Alma Tadema

So when the word seduction kept flying around my consciousness like a mosquito I couldn't swat, I started by ordering countless books on Amazon. Some of these books were amazing, some were downright repulsive, but all were educative. I started noticing themes of seduction and opportunities for seduction showing up everywhere.  I would ask myself, "What would be the most seductive move in this situation?" And I started having ALOT of fun.

One of my most interesting findings is that we always associate seduction with sex, when in fact, true seduction is the opposite of sex. Sex is when desire is met. Seduction is not about the culmination or gratification of desire, it is about the thrill of the desire itself. It is the game that is played as the desire comes closer, and closer, and closer, and being able to maintain that tension of wanting for a long, long time. 

As I started practicing seduction not just in my love life but everywhere in my life, I noticed a few things.  Number one, I had more energy. Why? I no longer felt the need to people please.  Do you want to know one of the most seductive things in the entire world? The ability to say NO. I realized that in my effort to make people like me, I said yes way too much.  We’ve all heard that setting boundaries and saying no to things is necessary, but no one had ever framed it as being sexy. Well that was all I needed.  I started experimenting with saying no to people, offers, requests for help, etc.  Sometimes I actually wanted to do these things, but I would force myself to say no just to experiment with that delicious tension, and become more comfortable with it.  Of course, this can be every woman's greatest fear, saying no.  What if I offend someone? What if they won't like me? But you know what happened? People started liking me MORE. My time and my attention became way more valuable to myself and to others.  And the unnecessary things in my life began to fall away, leaving way more time and attention for the things I really, really, really wanted to do.  

The Fountain, Peter Fendi

What I also I noticed is that I became way more satisfied with where I am at in the timeline of my life.  Previously I would worry that I was not moving fast enough, or that because some of the things I want in my life have not yet arrived, it meant I was doing things wrong.  But when examined through the lens of seduction, I realized that if something is not in my life, it simply means that it has not yet fully seduced me, or I it.  This is where the spiritual practice comes in.  This dance of seduction is not just something to be done with other people, but with everything we want in life. Where a no can be equally as satisfying as a yes. A yes is great, but a no just means there is more fun to be had.  Knowing this can really help a girl relax.  

I have so much more to say on this topic, of course, I must now leave you wanting.  I am so proud of this new baby. It is truly the finest class I have ever taught. I am so grateful to every woman who came to the class and is willing to join me as we resurrect the holy, beautiful, sacred archetype of the Seductress. 

PS – My next Seduction Is A Spiritual Practice is happening July 13^th and 14^th.  I would love to have you join me.

Support Hot Pink Tu-Tu's In Costa Rica

Kitty and Ro, Kissy-Kissy during a smoothie break

Today I write to you from a gorgeous sun porch high above the trees in Nosara, Costa Rica. The skies just blessed us with a 20 minute raging rainstorm that sent the howler monkeys into a frenzy, and has left behind beads of glittering water on the green tree tops.

The reason I am here is because I am on a Qoya Retreat.  Qoya is.....well, I always struggle to complete this sentence.  One thing I can say is that Qoya was founded by one of the most dreamy, enchanting, genius women I know, Rochelle Schieck.

Qoya is a movement class.  It is a spiritual temple.  It is a shamanic journey.  It is the dance party you have always dreamed of.  It is communing with the very throb and heartbeat of a garnet sunset, a baby's giggle, the wag of a dogs tail, a rainstorm in the jungle.  Qoya is a form of exercise, but at it's essence, Qoya is a way of remembering that we are all inherently wise, wild and free.

When I was growing up, my least favorite time of the week was gym class (except for the one week/year where we learned square dancing). From Kindergarten all the way through 12th grade I was literally always picked last for team games.  I still feel my throat close up a little when I recall seeing a red kickball sailing it's way through the air, straight at me standing there on the gymnasium floor. I knew in that moment,  this was it.  If I caught it we'd win. If I dropped it, well, we were fucked.  I also remember the sickening groan from my entire 4th grade class as I felt the red ball slip through my open arms, and the hot tears that slid down my cheeks after class was over.

My whole life I tried to exercise like a good girl.  I did aerobics, took runs in the park, yoga, torturous mornings at the gym where I would run full-pelt towards myself in a mirrored wall in front of the treadmill, when all I really wanted to do was run as far away from myself as I possibly could. 

My course of action was to do exactly that.  For years I would vacillate between exercise binges and exercise fasts.  I'd keep my charts and count my reps for a week or two, and then get so angry at myself for having to miss a day when my knees hurt that I'd give the whole thing up and shun exercise for the next few months.  Exercise, to me, was little more than atonement.  A way of trying to right the wrongs of this feminine body that was always too fat, too pale, had boobs that weren't perky enough, toes that weren't slender enough, etc. Almost all these things I so desperately wished to change were these things that exercise alone would obviously never be able to change. But to me, it always seemed like the perfection and escape that I so longed for lay just beyond the next hill, or in this case, the next set of Pilates tapes I could order off of a TV infomercial. 

After dancing Qoya with Rochelle for a few years, I am happy and proud to say that my relationship to exercise today is quite the fine romance.  In Qoya, we draw from the wisdom of yoga, the sweet, wild abandon of dance, and the freedom of sensual movement.  Class always begins with a slow, delicious warm up.  The message  "if it feels good you are doing it right" is repeated over and over.  There is no competition. No way of doing this wrong.  The class then transitions into a sensual, hypnotic way of doing yoga that feels like a moving prayer.  This is followed by dancing, both choreographed and free dance.  But this is not just any dancing.  When you dance Qoya you dance your whole life.  You dance your deepest truth.  It is impossible to explain in words.  It is like trying to explain swimming in the ocean.  Something you can't really understand until you experience it yourself.

All of this is done to a soundtrack that takes you from India to the Lower East Side, up to the heights of Heaven and back down to the dance floor of Soul Train.  The music is a collection of everything, because Qoya is a collection of everything.  It is an hour where there is no such thing as the right way, except the way of your own body and soul.

So, why am I sitting here in front of a computer, hair still wet from the ocean, soft reggae lulling me in the background while I drink a green juice, writing to you? Because there is something big happening.  It is happening right now.  And I would like to invite you to be a part of it.

At the retreat there is a team of three Norwegian grad students who have made it their mission to bring Qoya to children with Qoya Kids.  But they can only do it if they raise the $8000 they need through their kickstarter campaign.  They are over halfway there, but there are only four days left in the campaign. I have donated a few hundred in honor of my 9 year old self.  For me it is a way of getting her out of that old polyester gym uniform and slipping her into a hot pink tu-tu, cranking up Cyndi Lauper and telling her to just go crazy for 20 minutes in the middle of her school day.

Imagine if kids could have an education in what is right about their bodies, how to listen to them, how to follow them. Imagine if you were never told to sit still in Church.  Imagine if the act of not sitting still actually was your Church. If everything you had ever tried to find in a temple you suddenly discovered inside yourself, at the age of 5.  Imagine if your parents, your friends, and your whole community all knew and practiced the exact same thing.

Don't just imagine it. Join me in supporting this passionate, wonderful, extraordinary project.  Let's  change our future, by making the present so much better for our kids.

PS - another reason I am here is because I becoming trained as a Qoya teacher! This Summer I will be teaching practice classes for a very small donation, so if you would like to be added to that list please email me at info@kittycavalier.com.  I would love to dance with you!