On B.J.'s

Recently I had an astrological reading with Ophira Edut of the Astrotwins.  It was amazing.  The biggest takeaway I got is that in this season of my life it is time to let the freak flag fly. This isn't a post about anything freaky per se, I'm just pressing my edge of transparency.  Here goes.

This morning I was talking with my girlfriend about, well, blow jobs.  Most women I know, straight/gay, bi or queer, don't really love giving blow jobs. Here's a thought about why: we're calling it a job. Nobody likes having a job. A job is something we have to do.  A job is something that has a measurable result of whether or not we have been successful.  A job is usually overseen and managed by a figure of authority.  A job is about giving service, not about giving/receiving pleasure.

If you read this blog, you know by now that every time I blink, or take a bite of my cereal, or do anything in life, it causes me to reflect on the empowerment/dis-empowerment of the feminine.  This morning's conversation got me thinking about the resentful, obligatory edge that this terminology can cause for those of us who have oral sex with men.  Could we re-frame it so that it sounds more like what it is: a choice rather than a burden?

That being said, I actually really like the term blow job! I feel really empowered about my womanhood, so sometimes being a little objectified kind of turns me on.

This is just what's on my mind today.

What do you think?

Happy Thursday everyone!

Love,
Kitty

Orgasm Envy

Recently I was speaking with a client the about areas of her life she would like to receive the advice of a seduction advisor (me).  “Self-pleasuring” was her choice.

“Oy”, I thought.  We teach what we most want to learn, isn’t that what they say?

My relationship to self-pleasuring (aka masturbation) is one that has seen several seasons throughout my life.  When I was a kid I was certain that I would burn in hell for just the overwhelming curiosity I felt about my private parts, not to mention the pleasure that came from exploring them.  Later in life, I came to terms with the fact that this was a normal part of life, but still felt shame around the whole topic, and kind of felt like a loser that I even had to self-pleasure, like I should have such a hot sex life that it shouldn’t even be necessary. 

After experiencing my own sensual/sexual renaissance over the past 5 years, I find that the guilt has shifted gears.  I no longer feel guilty or shameful about how frequently I self-pleasure, I now feel guilt and shame about the fact that I don’t self-pleasure enough!

Money-gasm!

One of the gifts of living in this day and age is that there is no lack of educative tools available to us on how to have great orgasms and sex.  Books, DVD’s, courses, hands-on practice; the world of a woman’s orgasm is beginning to come out from the rock it took refuge under when it was blamed for being a reason to burn someone at the stake. I feel immeasurable gratitude to all of our sensual/sexual pioneers who have gone where few were brave enough to go and had the courage to tell the tale. 

However, the fact is that we still live in a dominator paradigm .  While the goal of the paradigm shift is for women to feel better about sex and orgasms, what can sometimes happen is that our black and white thinking causes us to doubt ourselves when we hear about the good times everyone else is having.  For example, we may read about how another woman is orgasming, and think “Gosh, I’m not orgasming like that. There must be something wrong with me.  My orgasm is not sufficient. Therefore, I suck.” I don’t know about you, but there are few thoughts that throw cold water on my sensual fire faster than “I suck”. 

This one is for all us girls who have come so far, and yet have so much farther that we want to go. 

1. The sex/orgasms you are having are the best that there is to have
I remember being a kid and my best friend being obsessed with whether or not the green that I saw was the same as the green she saw.  How do we know that what I see as green is not what she sees as yellow? Or red? How could we ever know??? Such is the same with sex and orgasm.  If you catch yourself thinking “my orgasm is not as good as this sex expert, or this tantra master, or this friend of mine…” that is your signal to ZIP IT! How do you know? How do you know that the orgasms you are having are not ten ga-jillion times better than theirs? You don’t.  You can’t.  So love what you got. 
 
2. Fantasy isn’t what you use to check out, even if you think it is
Many of the women I have encountered feel bad that they fantasize to get off. They feel that they should be more present, more in their body, or that there is something wrong with them or their relationships if they have to fantasize.  One of the gifts of being a

woman is our ability to fantasize.  Have you ever planned your wedding with someone while on your first date with them?  We tend to criticize ourselves for this instinct: “God, I’m so co-dependent! I can’t even go out on a date without hitching my wagon to this person til’ the end of time!” No.  You just have a vivid imagination.  I have picked out my wedding gown and the names of my children with every lover I have ever had.  I still think about it to this day.  That does not mean I do not love my husband, or that I even remotely want to marry these people.  It just means that my imagination is in great shape (and I know how to plan a fabulous party.)  How does this relate to sexual fantasy? Arousal is a trance state. It requires us to blur the lines between what is real and what is not.  What causes us to check out of our bodies is not the fantasy itself; it is the judgment of the fantasy. Embrace your fantasies them and enjoy them, and see if you don’t end up feeling even more present in your body as a result.
 
 
3. Sex is weird, when done right
There is nothing more anxiety-producing and annihilating to turn-on than the idea that things should be different, smell different, or look different than they actually are/do. For years during sex I would put on what Drew from the movie Office Space so eloquently calls “The Oh-Face” during sex.  Finally I realized that this expression was not an actual representation of what I was feeling, it was an imitation of what I had seen in pornography.  When I surrendered to what I was really feeling, the faces and noises I made were not exactly, shall we say, graceful.  But golly, were they more sexy and fun! Watch any nature show that shows animals mating, and my point is confirmed – sex is totally weird.  It is when we try to make it not weird that we create so many problems. Just let it be weird. 

Bird of Paradise shape-shifts when mating

    4. You animal!
To further that point, arousal is something that requires us to surrender to an animal state.  For example: let’s say I put some chocolate truffles and layer cakes on a tray to be enjoyed as a sensual treat.  I can delicately take each truffle in my fingers, inhale their aromas, let them melt on my tongue, and have a lovely and tidy sensual time.  But, if I want to actually get turned on, I have to become my sexual animal.  This might mean, for example, taking off all my clothes, lighting every candle in my bedroom, putting on some music that has a throb to it, and stalking my prey.  Being messy with the chocolate, smearing it on my skin, then licking and biting it off myself.  Or maybe tying my hands behind my back and eating the layer cake with no hands! Like I said, sex is weird. Let the animal arousal freak flag fly, and do it with gusto.

 
5. Let sex seduce you
We all want more frequent and better sex.  But the truth is, what we really want is to WANT more frequent and better sex.  If sex with a partner or self-pleasuring doesn’t appeal to you right now, I see two options: you can surrender to where the tides have taken you in this moment, or you can steer your ship toward the object of your desire by making it more appealing.
 
For example: I get so much satisfaction out of working right now.  I totally get off on writing a good blog, creating an amazing class, daydreaming about my retreat.  Hell, even ordering pens the other day gave me a significant buzz.  Simultaneously, I have a strong desire to have a rock em’, sock em’ self-pleasuring life.  I know that simply by virtue of having that desire, someday that will become my reality.  When I am ready, some book will cross my path or I will hear some lyric in a song that totally turns me on to self-pleasuring in a whole new way.  Then you won’t see me for a few months and I will resurface with a whole new list of blogs to write. But for today, being Kitty Cavalier and creating The School of Charm and Cheek is where the tide of seduction has placed me, and there is no place I’d rather be.  I know the tides will eventually shift, and then, I will be off on a new adventure.
 
If, however, I wish to steer the ship more towards the fulfillment of my desire, what I must do is make it more attractive.  We don’t resist things because we are undisciplined; we resist them because the way they are being presented is just not attractive enough.  I can make a self-pleasuring ritual more attractive by acquiring some new erotica, writing erotica myself, buying new lubricants and seeing which is my favorite, etc.
There is always a way to give things a new luster, it just takes a little seductive thought.

The moral of the story is: as with any seduction, making the goal a specific end result never effective.  The only way to practice seduction successfully is to take the ride for the adventure, for it is the adventure itself that ultimately directs the tides to what we truly desire.

Orgasm On, (or not)

Kitty

PS - The key to seduction of any kind, sex or otherwise: not just accepting, but indulging in everything you are.  Join us for some serious indulgence May 3-5th at Seduction Is A Way of Life, the Kitty Cavalier retreat.  

A Story of Birth and Seduction

On this rainy afternoon, I find myself sitting down to write a blog because it’s time to write a blog.  Time to produce.  Time to pump one out.  But truthfully, I am post-partum people!  I have just given birth to a beautiful, gorgeous, powerhouse of a class - Seduction Is A Spiritual Practice.  And it is time to hold her in my arms, smell her little head, and tell her birth story.  

Until about six months ago, the topic of seduction used to simultaneously scare me to death and intrigue me beyond words. I always associated seduction with manipulation, never revealing one's true self, never being vulnerable, and using sex as a commodity. But then, simultaneously, when I would read a story about a seductress, I would burn with envy and desire. When I looked at my icons, all of them seemed to be masters of seduction.  So, because I like a little buck in my bronco, I decided to take this topic on, plunge in head first, and make it a Pleasure Project.

A Pleasure Project is what I do when something scares me, or mystifies me, or just confuses me, and I take it on as research - like an anthropologist. Whenever I feel called to take on a new pleasure project, it is not because I'm bored or need something to do. It is because something in me is calling, tugging at me, desiring to be explored and expressed. Take, for example, G-spot orgasms.  This may be an over-share, (sorry parents and husband) but this topic is something that has been on my radar forever, and I've always wanted to learn more. But simultaneously I feel exhausted at the prospect of exploring such a diverse and confronting topic. So last night I when I went to buy my favorite skin care products and the store was closed, and I found myself right next door to Babeland (a female friendly sex shop here in NY) I knew it was time.  So, with the help of a sweet and knowledgeable female associate, I courageously blew $400 on all things G.  Wish me luck. We'll see if that research makes it into the blog.

In The Tepidarium, Sir Lawrence Alma Tadema

So when the word seduction kept flying around my consciousness like a mosquito I couldn't swat, I started by ordering countless books on Amazon. Some of these books were amazing, some were downright repulsive, but all were educative. I started noticing themes of seduction and opportunities for seduction showing up everywhere.  I would ask myself, "What would be the most seductive move in this situation?" And I started having ALOT of fun.

One of my most interesting findings is that we always associate seduction with sex, when in fact, true seduction is the opposite of sex. Sex is when desire is met. Seduction is not about the culmination or gratification of desire, it is about the thrill of the desire itself. It is the game that is played as the desire comes closer, and closer, and closer, and being able to maintain that tension of wanting for a long, long time. 

As I started practicing seduction not just in my love life but everywhere in my life, I noticed a few things.  Number one, I had more energy. Why? I no longer felt the need to people please.  Do you want to know one of the most seductive things in the entire world? The ability to say NO. I realized that in my effort to make people like me, I said yes way too much.  We’ve all heard that setting boundaries and saying no to things is necessary, but no one had ever framed it as being sexy. Well that was all I needed.  I started experimenting with saying no to people, offers, requests for help, etc.  Sometimes I actually wanted to do these things, but I would force myself to say no just to experiment with that delicious tension, and become more comfortable with it.  Of course, this can be every woman's greatest fear, saying no.  What if I offend someone? What if they won't like me? But you know what happened? People started liking me MORE. My time and my attention became way more valuable to myself and to others.  And the unnecessary things in my life began to fall away, leaving way more time and attention for the things I really, really, really wanted to do.  

The Fountain, Peter Fendi

What I also I noticed is that I became way more satisfied with where I am at in the timeline of my life.  Previously I would worry that I was not moving fast enough, or that because some of the things I want in my life have not yet arrived, it meant I was doing things wrong.  But when examined through the lens of seduction, I realized that if something is not in my life, it simply means that it has not yet fully seduced me, or I it.  This is where the spiritual practice comes in.  This dance of seduction is not just something to be done with other people, but with everything we want in life. Where a no can be equally as satisfying as a yes. A yes is great, but a no just means there is more fun to be had.  Knowing this can really help a girl relax.  

I have so much more to say on this topic, of course, I must now leave you wanting.  I am so proud of this new baby. It is truly the finest class I have ever taught. I am so grateful to every woman who came to the class and is willing to join me as we resurrect the holy, beautiful, sacred archetype of the Seductress. 

PS – My next Seduction Is A Spiritual Practice is happening July 13^th and 14^th.  I would love to have you join me.