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Tuesday, April 2, 2013

Orgasm Envy

Recently I was speaking with a client the about areas of her life she would like to receive the advice of a seduction advisor (me).  “Self-pleasuring” was her choice.

“Oy”, I thought.  We teach what we most want to learn, isn’t that what they say?

My relationship to self-pleasuring (aka masturbation) is one that has seen several seasons throughout my life.  When I was a kid I was certain that I would burn in hell for just the overwhelming curiosity I felt about my private parts, not to mention the pleasure that came from exploring them.  Later in life, I came to terms with the fact that this was a normal part of life, but still felt shame around the whole topic, and kind of felt like a loser that I even had to self-pleasure, like I should have such a hot sex life that it shouldn’t even be necessary. 

After experiencing my own sensual/sexual renaissance over the past 5 years, I find that the guilt has shifted gears.  I no longer feel guilty or shameful about how frequently I self-pleasure, I now feel guilt and shame about the fact that I don’t self-pleasure enough!

One of the gifts of living in this day and age is that there is no lack of educative tools available to us on how to have great orgasms and sex.  Books, DVD’s, courses, hands-on practice; the world of a woman’s orgasm is beginning to come out from the rock it took refuge under when it was blamed for being a reason to burn someone at the stake. I feel immeasurable gratitude to all of our sensual/sexual pioneers who have gone where few were brave enough to go and had the courage to tell the tale. 

However, the fact is that we still live in a dominator paradigm .  While the goal of the paradigm shift is for women to feel better about sex and orgasms, what can sometimes happen is that our black and white thinking causes us to doubt ourselves when we hear about the good times everyone else is having.  For example, we may read about how another woman is orgasming, and think “Gosh, I’m not orgasming like that. There must be something wrong with me.  My orgasm is not sufficient. Therefore, I suck.” I don’t know about you, but there are few thoughts that throw cold water on my sensual fire faster than “I suck”. 

This one is for all us girls who have come so far, and yet have so much farther that we want to go. 

1. The sex/orgasms you are having are the best that there is to have
I remember being a kid and my best friend being obsessed with whether or not the green that I saw was the same as the green she saw.  How do we know that what I see as green is not what she sees as yellow? Or red? How could we ever know??? Such is the same with sex and orgasm.  If you catch yourself thinking “my orgasm is not as good as this sex expert, or this tantra master, or this friend of mine…” that is your signal to ZIP IT! How do you know? How do you know that the orgasms you are having are not ten ga-jillion times better than theirs? You don’t.  You can’t.  So love what you got. 
2. Fantasy isn’t what you use to check out, even if you think it is
Many of the women I have encountered feel bad that they fantasize to get off. They feel that they should be more present, more in their body, or that there is something wrong with them or their relationships if they have to fantasize.  One of the gifts of being a

woman is our ability to fantasize.  Have you ever planned your wedding with someone while on your first date with them?  We tend to criticize ourselves for this instinct: “God, I’m so co-dependent! I can’t even go out on a date without hitching my wagon to this person til’ the end of time!” No.  You just have a vivid imagination.  I have picked out my wedding gown and the names of my children with every lover I have ever had.  I still think about it to this day.  That does not mean I do not love my husband, or that I even remotely want to marry these people.  It just means that my imagination is in great shape (and I know how to plan a fabulous party.)  How does this relate to sexual fantasy? Arousal is a trance state. It requires us to blur the lines between what is real and what is not.  What causes us to check out of our bodies is not the fantasy itself; it is the judgment of the fantasy. Embrace your fantasies them and enjoy them, and see if you don’t end up feeling even more present in your body as a result.
3. Sex is weird, when done right
There is nothing more anxiety-producing and annihilating to turn-on than the idea that things should be different, smell different, or look different than they actually are/do. For years during sex I would put on what Drew from the movie Office Space so eloquently calls “The Oh-Face” during sex.  Finally I realized that this expression was not an actual representation of what I was feeling, it was an imitation of what I had seen in pornography.  When I surrendered to what I was really feeling, the faces and noises I made were not exactly, shall we say, graceful.  But golly, were they more sexy and fun! Watch any nature show that shows animals mating, and my point is confirmed – sex is totally weird.  It is when we try to make it not weird that we create so many problems. Just let it be weird. 

Bird of Paradise shape-shifts when mating
    4. You animal!
To further that point, arousal is something that requires us to surrender to an animal state.  For example: let’s say I put some chocolate truffles and layer cakes on a tray to be enjoyed as a sensual treat.  I can delicately take each truffle in my fingers, inhale their 
aromas, let them melt on my tongue, and have a lovely and tidy sensual time.  But, if I want to actually get turned on, I have to become my sexual animal.  This might mean, for example, taking off all my clothes, lighting every candle in my bedroom, putting on some music that has a throb to it, and stalking my prey.  Being messy with the chocolate, smearing it on my skin, then licking and biting it off myself.  Or maybe tying my hands behind my back and eating the layer cake with no hands! Like I said, sex is weird. Let the animal arousal freak flag fly, and do it with gusto.
5. Let sex seduce you
We all want more frequent and better sex.  But the truth is, what we really want is to WANT more frequent and better sex.  If sex with a partner or self-pleasuring doesn’t appeal to you right now, I see two options: you can surrender to where the tides have taken you in this moment, or you can steer your ship toward the object of your desire by making it more appealing.
For example: I get so much satisfaction out of working right now.  I totally get off on writing a good blog, creating an amazing class, daydreaming about my retreat.  Hell, even ordering pens the other day gave me a significant buzz.  Simultaneously, I have a strong desire to have a rock em’, sock em’ self-pleasuring life.  I know that simply by virtue of having that desire, someday that will become my reality.  When I am ready, some book will cross my path or I will hear some lyric in a song that totally turns me on to self-pleasuring in a whole new way.  Then you won’t see me for a few months and I will resurface with a whole new list of blogs to write. But for today, being Kitty Cavalier and creating The School of Charm and Cheek is where the tide of seduction has placed me, and there is no place I’d rather be.  I know the tides will eventually shift, and then, I will be off on a new adventure.
If, however, I wish to steer the ship more towards the fulfillment of my desire, what I must do is make it more attractive.  We don’t resist things because we are undisciplined; we resist them because the way they are being presented is just not attractive enough.  I can make a self-pleasuring ritual more attractive by acquiring some new erotica, writing erotica myself, buying new lubricants and seeing which is my favorite, etc.
There is always a way to give things a new luster, it just takes a little seductive thought.

The moral of the story is: as with any seduction, making the goal a specific end result never effective.  The only way to practice seduction successfully is to take the ride for the adventure, for it is the adventure itself that ultimately directs the tides to what we truly desire.

Orgasm On, (or not)

PS - The key to seduction of any kind, sex or otherwise: not just accepting, but indulging in everything you are.  Join us for some serious indulgence May 3-5th at Seduction Is A Way of Life, the Kitty Cavalier retreat.  

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