Gratitude Schmatitude

You know, with Thanksgiving coming up this week, I have to say.  Sometimes the word gratitude just sticks me like a burr under my saddle.

I know, I know, gratitude is the secret to a happy life.

With the day of thanks on the horizon, I feel the walls closing in, pressuring me to express my gratitude and be thankful.  Don’t get me wrong, I am an extremely grateful person.  But this pressure to write lists about it and flex it like a muscle just doesn’t feel genuine to me.  I  know I might sound like a spoiled brat, but when I say I am thankful, who am I thanking exactly? My relationship with the Divine is to let it work through me, to feel it in my every cell and act from that spot, letting go of the result.  I don’t think there is someone in the sky waiting for me to grovel so they can dole out blessings depending on whether I’ve been naughty or nice. 

The point I am trying to get across is that for me, gratitude has become a loaded concept.  It doesn’t feel easy, it feels obligatory.  It feels like a practice that is un-spontaneous, and that is often done solely as a prescription to feel “better”.  Blech!

What feels good to me right now is expressing the things that bring me a sense of wonder.  For example, I am spending this Thanksgiving with my best friend and soul sister Vivi La Voix.  It is my first Thanksgiving not with my family.  Vivi and I are going to dance Qoya, get really dressed up and go to a fabulous restaurant in my Brooklyn neighborhood, and then retire to her heated terrace tent for homemade pumpkin pie with bourbon whipped cream.  Just the thought of these activities fills me with a sense of wonder. 

Holidays with Kitty and Vivi.  Poetry. Will. Be. Read.

Wonder is defined as: “The emotion aroused by something awe-inspiring, astounding, or marvelous.”  For example, right now I am in wonder at:

• the effervescence of champagne bubbles as they slip past my tongue.
• the caress of foam as I sip cappuccino
• the new friend I just made at my neighborhood restaurant, who I will be seeing on Thanksgiving.
• The chills that run through my body as I take deep breaths in yoga class
• The courage of Eleanor Roosevelt, and how thinking about her legacy inspires me to where I feel like my pants are on fire.
• My Mom finishing her first 5K at 72
• The kindness of strangers
• The beauty of the painting “The Spanish Dancer”
• My family and my friend-family, and how their presence in my life makes me weep with love

And that’s just for starters.

And I feel humble. I feel open.  

I feel, sigh. 

Fine. Ok.  

I feel grateful. :)

PS - Please enjoy this playlist I created called Wonder, great for dancing on Thanksgiving! And on that note, don't miss Qoya Teacher Training in NYC on January 18th &19th.  Whether you are a queen of Qoya or brand spankin' new, this training is an initiation into living in a body and a world that is wise, wild and free.  Join us!

A Seductress In Loss

 

Perfect Mascara Tears! At least something good came out of this.

Usually when I write a blog it is because some idea has inspired me and I am itching to sit down at my loom and weave away. The last few months however, each time it has felt like nails on a chalkboard. What I am writing about, most of the time, I don't really care about.  The way I work is that I write about what is true for me. And lately I have been ignoring what is true for me: I am in the vast chasm of grief and loss. 

Loss is such a f*cker. I feel like my whole life is a 3d puzzle that I've been working on for the last 33 years, and some kid just came in and knocked down every piece. But when I try to put it back together, none of the pieces fit anymore. The whole thing has to be figured out all over again. 

To remedy this I have been going full throttle in many different areas of my life the last few months. The lessons I have learned have been enormous. But as often happens when in full throttle for too long, my wheels are now spinning. This displaces me enormously on my path in life and my understanding of seduction. When we think of a seductress, we often think of a woman who is always on the prowl, who doesn’t stop in cultivating her powers of attraction even for a second. But what about when you don’t want to attract anything? Right I am not searching for a goddamn thing. If I'm not out there striving for something I want: love, knowledge, money, success; who am I? Am I still a seductress if I am not out in the rodeo ring trying to rope the next steer?

Annie Oakley

This is a new prism of seduction for me.  Right now, I am not the roper.  I am the steer. I have charged and chased, flared my nostrils and stomped my feet trying to make this loss something other than what it is.  It's time now. Time to lay it down, let it go. Surrender to where I am and let it rebuild me. Stop spinning, feel it all. The blogs that talk about how to keep stocking seams straight can wait. This is where I am today: navigating the new frontier of being a seductress in loss. 

PS - Monday begins the last seduction banquet of 2013, Your Seductress: Unveiled. With 12 seduction sessions, seduction diary assignments, meditations, bonus videos, daily quotes, weekly coaching, playlists...let's just say, I invite you to feast.  

Fortune Favors The Bold

At a cemetery in the Garden District

About a week ago I was in my best friend Beth’s living room, dropping off my dog Winnie as I was about to embark on my first trip to New Orleans.  In my bones, I knew that this would be a big adventure.  I felt like I should be excited as f*ck. But you know that feeling you have before you go on a big adventure? Even if you know it will most likely be good, it will also, most likely, rock you into a new stratosphere. That kind of space travel is not easy. The first time I went to Paris I remember sitting in the taxi on the way to the airport feeling like I was going to vomit and snapping at my traveling companion.  I did NOT want to go. And yet this was a vacation I had been planning for years.

I had a similar feeling about going to New Orleans.  A few weeks prior, I was crying on the phone with my other best friend Vivi about feeling like a failure.  I felt like if I was a real seductress, I would be traveling to places like Paris and New Orleans to teach my work, having wild adventures and even wilder love affairs. 

Well wouldn’t you know that the next day I got an email from one of my most beloved clients asking me to come down to New Orleans in a week and teach a private retreat for her and her friends.

Seduction can be funny like that.

They say the only thing scarier than not getting what you want is getting exactly what you want. As I was kvetching on Beth’s couch about how much of a loser I was for being resistant to living my dream of going on this adventure, she showed me the following video:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WxfZkMm3wcg

Which I then proceeded to watch five times in a row. 

This video inspired the pants off of me.  I ran out of Beth’s apartment going straight in the direction of my dreams, letting out a Braveheart style war cry.

I ended up having one of the best weeks of my life in New Orleans.

I am a changed woman because of it.  

It was so good that I can’t tell you a single detail. It's all going in the book.

Big dreams beget big dreams.  I returned from Nola to find my friend, my muse, my teacher, my inspiration; the literal one-and-only Veronica Varlow beginning a kickstarter campaign to fund her film Revolver. V has been talking about making this movie forever.  One day she just decided it was time to cut the crap and go for it.  So like the guy in the video jumping off those rocks and into the water, she jumped.  She put her ass on the line by pulling back the curtain on the longing in her heart.  She vulnerably let the world see her crying sweet tears as she sang a song of thanks after receiving $25,000 in pledges in the first 24 hours. 

What I love about what Veronica is doing is that she is living her dream not just for herself, but for you and me too.  If we can help her create her dream, we make our own dreams all the more possible. 

Dreams friggin’ rule. 

So does New Orleans.

So does freeniney.com

So do you.

Daytrippin’,

Kitty Cavalier

The One That I Want

Ask any guy or girl who likes girls what imagery launched them into puberty, and you will most likely find a collection of the following characters, just to name a few:

Carrie Fisher as Princess Lea in Star Wars

Justine Bateman as Mallory Keaton in Family Ties

Mia Sara as Sloane Peterson in Ferris Bueller’s Day Off

Olivia Newton-John as Sandy in Grease

Today’s seduction lesson will focus on Sandy. In the film, Sandy makes an iconic transformation from being a sweet cream butter good girl to black cherry compote bad girl at the end.  This transformation makes Danny, her sweetheart, fall down to his knees in overwhelm at the tornado of his attraction to her.  Simultaneously, the audience falls even more head over heels in love with Sandy than we thought we could.  But the reason is not just because she has teased hair, red lips and the tightest black pants known to mankind.  There is one special, precious moment that seals her into our hearts.  It happens in the first 45 seconds of this clip. Watch with me.

Did you catch it? It wasn’t the full camera pan of her body.  It wasn't the “Tell me about it, stud”.  It was the moment with the cigarette.  That moment of hesitation where she wasn’t sure what to do, and rather than faking her way through it or knowing everything in advance, she looks pleadingly at Marnie, who tells her to snuff it out with her red shoe.   What makes Sandy so loveable and attractive all along is that she is so un-jaded and lovely. That little doe-eyed look of need reassures us that this is still our Sandy.  Her transformation from butterscotch ice cream to piping hot fudge is quite sudden. We would probably not have been so smitten had it not been for that sweet moment of vulnerability peeking through, like a piece of lace under a leather jacket. Her new look is not just changing herself to please a man, it is a decision to explore a different avenue, just giving us more of her to love. 

From Bouchon Bakery, NYC

This is such a gorgeous articulation of the sacred seductress.  Often we think that if we just put on some tight pants and pink lipstick we will feel more seductive.  And sometimes that works.  But true seduction takes us on a journey that goes much farther than skin deep.  True seduction lasts.   True seduction takes realness. It is like the difference between a cheap, chemically laden piece of chocolate and a really good one made with pure ingredients. A really good piece of chocolate doesn’t pretend to be something it’s not.  Its aftertaste is pleasant, not toxic.  Have you ever tried to scarf down a good piece of chocolate really fast? It feels violating, like ripping open the petals on a rose before it has fully bloomed.  Great chocolate, like great seduction, demands the slow, perfect-imperfection of absolute authenticity.

Give this theory a test drive...and prove me right. 

Burnin’ up the quarter mile,

Kitty Cavalier

On B.J.'s

Recently I had an astrological reading with Ophira Edut of the Astrotwins.  It was amazing.  The biggest takeaway I got is that in this season of my life it is time to let the freak flag fly. This isn't a post about anything freaky per se, I'm just pressing my edge of transparency.  Here goes.

This morning I was talking with my girlfriend about, well, blow jobs.  Most women I know, straight/gay, bi or queer, don't really love giving blow jobs. Here's a thought about why: we're calling it a job. Nobody likes having a job. A job is something we have to do.  A job is something that has a measurable result of whether or not we have been successful.  A job is usually overseen and managed by a figure of authority.  A job is about giving service, not about giving/receiving pleasure.

If you read this blog, you know by now that every time I blink, or take a bite of my cereal, or do anything in life, it causes me to reflect on the empowerment/dis-empowerment of the feminine.  This morning's conversation got me thinking about the resentful, obligatory edge that this terminology can cause for those of us who have oral sex with men.  Could we re-frame it so that it sounds more like what it is: a choice rather than a burden?

That being said, I actually really like the term blow job! I feel really empowered about my womanhood, so sometimes being a little objectified kind of turns me on.

This is just what's on my mind today.

What do you think?

Happy Thursday everyone!

Love,
Kitty

How To Be Memorable

Lola Montez would wear a piece of flannel "in both places" and mail it to her lover King Ludwig I so that he could feel her against his own skin.  This one knew what she was doing. 

One of the trademark characteristics of a seductress is not just the enchantment of her presence; it is the way her presence lingers as she leaves her seductive mark.  This week I am sharing with you some of my top-secret tricks for leaving a mark on those you encounter, and by virtue, a powerful memory.

Flavored Lip-Gloss

Using just a touch of flavored lip gloss in the center of the lips applied for the purpose of a goodbye kiss, will leave your lover smacking on strawberry all day long, giving them a sensory trigger to remember what happened the last time they saw you.

The Art Of Seductive Fragrance

I always take Coco Chanel’s advice and apply my fragrance to the back of my neck, as that is where I most enjoy being kissed.  When I apply my fragrance, I do it sparingly. A fragrance that is too strong sends up a message of “don’t come any closer”, acting as an olfactory shield or barrier.  When perfume is applied discreetly it becomes inviting, beckoning someone to come closer.  A great way to get a person to come closer to drink from the potion of your fragrance is to ask if you can tell them a secret.   This could be anything, a real secret you’d like them to know, a whisper of how much you enjoy their company, etc.  Another seduction technique frequented by The Harlequin (the woman whose most seductive trait is her funny bone) is to say something like “can I tell you a secret? Come closer…. there’s a fish in my purse”.  Wait a beat, and then follow with “just kidding…I just wanted to get closer to you for a second, you smell so good.”  Works every time.

Photo: Beth Mayesh

Wear Something Remarkable

My stylist friend Hilary Rushford recently told me “if you want to look remarkable, wear something that people will remark on”.  I remember when I got to the final interview for my dream job once. I made a bold statement by wearing a flaming red pants suit.  When I left the job 6 years later, the woman who interviewed me told me that was something she would never, ever forget, and was one of the reasons she hired me in the first place. 

Bubble Yum

Before a date, I sometimes buy a pack of bubble-yum so that I show up with sweet, pink, bubbly breath.  The sight and smell of bubble yum is not only enjoyable, it conjures up memories of being a kid and having a crush on the girl with pink bubble gum in her mouth. Tee-hee!

Leave Something Behind

My friend Veronica Varlow talks about the magic of our hairpins.  A hairpin contains your unique magic, and leaving one behind in a bathroom or on a pillow leaves a reminder of you.  I like to do this with costume jewelry like a bangle here or there.  Once I left a tissue with my lipstick on it on a bathroom sink, which received rave reviews.  Or if you are feeling really saucy, leaving your panties lost in the blankets of a lover’s bed will definitely get the message across.  Double tee-hee!

Glitter

Whenever I perform burlesque I absolutely shower myself in glitter.  Glitter is very contagious, it seems like if you just look in a persons direction with glitter on you leave them in a sheen of your fairy dust.  Giving people a hug or a kiss on the cheek with glitter on always leaves a sparkly reminder of that one moment when they got to bask in your heavenly, shining presence.

Glitter sandwich with Vivi La Voix

Photo: Beth Mayesh

Whatever your mark is, it is divine, as it is a reminder of you

One time I had makeup all over my hand and I accidentally touched a wall in the home of a gentleman caller, leaving a giant handprint on the wall.  I was so embarrassed! But wouldn’t you know, a year later, that handprint was still there? And it is not by accident.  Remember that anything that serves as a reminder of you is magic, because you are magic. 

Be bold sweet friends!

Love,

Kitty Cavalier

PS - October 25-27th seduction retreat is down to the last spot!! I am so excited to share all the good stuff at this retreat.  Retreats are my favorite thing to teach, as they are where I have the luxury of time to let all my teachings saturate you like a sponge.  This experience is three days of ritual, dance, exercises and love shared between powerful seductive women.  I would love to have you join this sacred circle of seduction.