Seductive Values

When it comes to being a seductress, there are thousands of ways to expand your power.  Few carry the same potency however, than knowing your seductive values.

Our values are the things that we most deeply cherish, the things we will go to any lengths to uphold.  Using seduction as a spiritual practice, rather than a game of control, can sometimes lead to great confusion.  Before facing decisions in this way, you may have chosen a raw cacao chocolate because it was healthier, but you find yourself eating a Hershey’s kiss because that is what truly seduced you in that moment.  Or perhaps you are faced with the decision of going to the opera, and while it is something you have always wanted to do, you are completely exhausted and certain that you will become ill if you don’t go home and go to bed this instant.  What’s a girl to do? How do we hone and tone the divining rod of our intuition to go towards what we most deeply crave?

Seductive education, a core value of mine

What makes a seductress as sleek and as certain as a jaguar is the way she knows and trusts in her seductive values. Our seductive values are like the little pots of paint that we swirl our brush into when we leave our mark on the world.  Knowing our values teaches us what truly seduces us to our core. It also gives us the power to create the things in our lives that we most desire to see manifest.

One of the questions I get most often about seduction is how to create more spark and sizzle in long-term relationships.  This is a rather complicated rubik's cube.  One of the ways I have found to ensure that there is more fire and desire is to make what is traditionally considered a sin into a seductive value.  This is the value of lust.

I have a very high lust-o-meter.  I need to have my ass grabbed, my hair pulled, and/or my neck bitten at least once a day in order to remember that I am alive.  I need to feel that passion and desire consistently, even if it is only for a second. Making lust into a value, just like financial security might be a value, allows me to prioritize neck biting with the same level of importance that I contribute to an IRA.

Cheekiness, also a core value

Another question that often comes up is seduction and money.  I was on the phone with my friend and teacher Denise Cooper of Sexy Money Now the other day, and she and I were talking about how when you become aware of your inner seductress, you sometimes want to buy everything in sight.  In fact, this is one of the main reasons that people avoid seduction.  They think if they listen to what is seducing them in each moment, they’ll spend through their savings in a week.  Denise reminded me that when we know and trust our values, we have a touchstone to come back to in these whirlwind moments of desire. (Click here to hear an awesome interview with Denise about seduction and money. She also has a kick-ass webinar coming up about quitting your day job.  Get in, get on!)

For example, buying a white Calvin Klein suit may be seducing you, but paying off your debt and becoming financially stable is one of your values.  You might still decide to buy the suit anyway.  It’s not about right or wrong.  But when you know your values, you are able to connect with the depth of the ocean of your desire, rather than just the white foam swirling on top.

Some of my seductive values are:

Big, Big Love

My relationship with friends and family, and anything that connects me to that deep, mystical, nourishing ribbon of love that runs through my life is my top, number one value.

Beauty

Beauty is absolutely one of my core values.  I would rather eat ramen noodles for a week than have to go without my Ruby Woo lipstick.  That being said, this value is not just about spending money. I create beauty when I choose to do my laundry over the spending an hour in an internet sinkhole.  I create beauty when I light candles to read myself to sleep.  Right now I have created beauty by opening all my windows to listen to the rain as I type.

Beauty

Truth

Truth is of the utmost importance to me.  I don’t care how much it hurts to hear, if it ain’t the truth I don’t want it.  Equally, if there is an area of my life where I am not showing up as pure 100% Kitty Cavalier, it is reason for me to look at why that is and what can be done about it.

These are just some of the examples of seductive values that I cherish. I am dying to know yours! Click here to post your seductive values and tell me why you treasure them so.

With neck bites and ass grabs,

Kitty Cavalier

PS – Getting to know your seductress is kind of like learning about fine French wine.  It is a process that cannot be rushed, only explored more and more thoroughly.  In the upcoming September session of Your Seductress: Unveiled, I will take you on a tour through the deepest cellars of your seductive nature.  Click here to enroll and to learn more. 

Staying Seductive At Times That Are Like, So Not

One of the questions I am most often asked about practicing seduction is “how do you stay a seductress when you are in an environment that is so not seductive?” (such as being at work, or with family, or stuck in traffic)

This is a question that has many answers.  One of the answers will be revealed in this blog post. A few more will be sprinkled in over the next few weeks.  (The really juicy ones will be delivered live in my new April 5^th class The Seductive Life.  Just sayin’. ;)

Let’s be clear about one thing first.  Seduction is not roses, candles, dark chocolate and lingerie.  Seduction is a force.  It is an elemental component of our lives.  Let’s say, for example, you find yourself in a rest stop bathroom.  Not the most seductive of environments.  And you know what? That is OK.  A seductress is not a magic fairy who can change a stinky bathroom into being as much of a pleasure as a field of lavender. The seductress? Her magic does not reside solely in the ethereal. Her real magic is her humanity. 

Hubba-Hubba. 

I bring this up is because many of my students doubt their abilities as a seductress when they are not feeling happy, and aroused in every moment of every day. Listen:  life is a mosaic, not a Lisa Frank illustration.  There are as many smooth pearls in this work of art as there are spiky bits of glass.  There are diamonds twinkling right alongside bits of aluminum can and shiny porcelain next to rough, rugged clay.  That is what makes it so interesting.

My actual childhood lunchbox, thank you Lisa Frank. 

We are fortunate to live in an age where there is a developing consciousness of the fact that we have the power to create our life, rather than lay victim to it. But when this philosophy is adopted as edict, it can often bring with it a sense of perpetual dissatisfaction.   When we feel dissatisfied, we think “Uh-oh.  I am not living the law of attraction! I need to get into gratitude, fast!  Let me write a gratitude list. Think positive! Think positive!”  That’s all fine and good if you are really feeling grateful, but there is a big difference between genuine gratitude and trying to cheat the system. There is no right ratio of self-love to humility, gratitude to ambition.  There are tools, but there is no formula.

So, how does this relate to seduction?  How do we stay in our seductress, even when we are in a situation that is un-seductive? It all starts by understanding that there is no ‘staying in our seductress’, because we never leave our seductress.  Seduction is a force, not a state. We are always seducing and being seduced, constantly.  Let’s say for example, you eat an entire microwave pizza and bag of dried mango like I just did.  I can tell myself that that was so not seductive, that seductresses don’t overeat.  Hell, seductresses don’t even eat microwave pizza.  Certainly not while standing in the kitchen in their pajamas at 3pm on a Monday.

I do love a good dressing gown.

Where’s the dressing gown with a long train spreading out over the bed as she slowly consumes one fresh cherry after another out of a pristine porcelain bowl?  The truth is, those things just didn’t seduce me today. 

Today, I am pumping out multiple articles and adding three new items to my website.  I am feeling a bit stressed. I am coping by eating a little more than I need to, and rebelling against the system by staying in my pajamas.  This, people, I hate to tell you, is seduction.  The pajamas, the mango, the to-do list; they all seduced me today.  The way I stay in my seductress is that I don’t berate myself for not doing things another way.  I have pride in my pizza bloat.  I think it’s really cute. And there is no force on Earth that is more potent or seductive than total ownership and pride in oneself and one’s actions.

In contrast, last night I wanted to do something but had no plans, and didn’t really want to leave the house.  So I took a bubble bath, massaged every inch of my skin with sweet smelling lotion, and put on a party dress and makeup.  I lit every candle in my home and got out my craft bin to make homemade greeting cards and send secret admirer cards to my best friends.  This may sound like it was a more seductive venture than the pizza, but that is not true. It would only be true if we were defining seduction as looking good to other people.  But seduction is not about doing things that look good to other people.  Seduction is doing the things that look good to YOU. 

Do you feel like seduction is a state that is dependent on what your wearing or where you are? Do tell in the comments below. 

When The Teacher Is Ready...

About two years ago, I had the idea that I would like to have my own retreat.  I got the idea while I was attending a weekend called Sacred Success with my teacher Barbara Stanny. At the weekend, one of the girls attending asked me if I could help her in posing for some photographs, as she was having her portrait painted and needed some shots to give to the artist as a starting point. In five minutes flat we had found an antique couch, draped her in a 5-string set of pearls and a green pashmina and were off to the races.  I coached her through how to pose, how to look at me, and what to be thinking of as I shot  the photos. The pictures came out PHENOMENAL.  As I was walking back to my room, a vision flashed before my eyes.  Sacred Seduction.  A retreat.  Someday I would do a Kitty Cavalier retreat.  I had always longed to create an oasis for women to really understand seduction as a spiritual practice. A temple of beauty where I could really go deep with all I was learning about the true nature of seduction, which is so different that what we have all been taught. (the polar opposite really) My mission was clear.

For two years I googled retreat centers all around the country. Nothing seemed to fit.  I needed something that was beautiful but affordable. Great energy from the staff and the place itself was a must. I swear I must have typed “New England Retreat Center” 1000 times into google.  Then, one  night, I found something new. When the teacher is ready they say, the classroom will appear.

Hiding in the corner of my computer screen was something called Guest House in Chester, Connecticut. I knew from the minute I saw it, this could be the place.  It is a facility nestled into the gorgeous woods of Connecticut.  It is newly renovated and gets it's name from a Rumi poem.  These were good signs. I called the facility and spoke to Jim.  I asked him if I could come to see the place that day.  He appreciated my eagerness, but it was already 4 o'clock and I was still two hours away in NYC, so could I please come by tomorrow.  This is when I really know I am onto something - when I  just leap in the direction of what is calling me without a second thought. I had never been more ready for my dream to come to life and I was willing to go to any lengths to make it official.

After that it was just one charmed event after the other.  

My friend Vivi Le Voix was so seduced by my enthusiasm she decided to join me to on the scouting trip. On the way to Grand Central Vivi was stuck in traffic and we feared she would miss the train.  I taught her how to do a traffic clearing charm over the phone and literally before I knew it she was standing right in front of me. While on the train, there was a malfunction which left us stranded us in the middle of nowhere. We didn't care because we were having so much fun catching up, but when we were ready to go, we decided read love poetry to each other to see if it would speed things up.  Wouldn’t you know, we crack the book, and literally at that moment the rescue train shows up. 

After leaving the train we set our intention for a taxi that smelled good, was clean and had a friendly, knowledgeable driver.  A van showed up that was more like yellow limousine than a taxi, and we hopped in. The driver was charming and lovely.  There was a beautiful prayer flag of Mecca hanging in the cab. (A cab with decor!) These were all really good signs and I could feel the magic already. 

When we pulled into the driveway of Guest House I got the same feeling I had when we pulled into Locust Grove, the place I got married.  "This is right.  This is it.  This is what I’ve been looking for."

When we walked in, I immediately felt the energy of a living, breathing hug.  There were gorgeous fireplaces, chandeliers and windows everywhere. Guest House is decorated with classic New England charm. The guest rooms are actually beautiful, (rare for a retreat center) with toile curtains and antique headboards, and the staff is a dream. 
When I spoke to Jim about dates, he said that the only weekend available for the whole year was May 3rd-5th.  I put down my deposit on the spot. 

On the train ride home I was looking at the brochure for Guest House, and came across this quote by Rumi "Let the beauty you love be what you do.  There are a hundred ways to kneel and kiss the ground." If I could describe the retreat in one quote it would be this one. Welcome to www.seductionretreat.com.

www.seductionretreat.com

Little Altars Everywhere

The first time I created an altar in my home, I remember treating it similarly to how I imagine one might treat nuclear material. I scrubbed the table I was using to the bone because I read somewhere that dust holds negative energy. I went to the health food store and saw all the different colored candles, each representing a different chakra. I was so afraid of excluding a chakra, I bought every color they had.  The same went for the incense. (thank you consumerism!) I started a “vision board” of all the things I wanted to transform in my life and placed it above the altar.  I would kneel in front of the altar when I got home from work every day (for about a week), burning the candles and trying to meditate, the whole time I was wondering if this was, indeed, the best feng-shui corner in the house to place the altar and whether or not it was clean enough.

JEEZ! It makes my palms sweat just thinking about that experiment.

I look back on that time with great compassion for myself.  What I realize now is that  I did not create that altar out of an overflow of devotion.  I created it because I wanted to find a way to heal things in my life that needed healing, but without having to do the scary stuff.  Like healing my ovarian cyst without surgery.  Or making all the people I hated at work less obnoxious without having to speak up.  And while we’re at it, adding more sex to my relationship without having to get out of my pajama pants.  And p.s., fixing my raging eating disorder.  No wonder the poor altar had performance anxiety!  

I have since learned that in the words of Annie Lennox, “Money Can’t Buy It.” You can ship salt from the Himalayas, fine incense from Tibet, the blood of a desert snake in Santa Fe and all the rest, but none of these things begin to compare with the power of collecting objects that mean something to you. 

My goal in my home is to make it one big giant altar.  I have little altars everywhere.  To me, an altar is any arrangement of beauty that honors the sacred.  It is something that reminds me that magic is real, that there is so much more to life that what we see with the naked eye.  What works best for me is to create altars of gratitude and honoring.  In contrast, I find that when I make an altar dedicated to a transformation I want to experience with images cut out of magazines and such, it makes me so fixed on the outcome that I start to obsess over it, excluding room for the transformation to actually happen. 

Here are some examples of altars I have created in my home and what they mean to me.  I would love to see yours too! You can post them here on the School of Charm and Cheek Facebook page. Or, if this post inspires you to see an altar where you did not see one before, as you will see in the photo at my Mother in-law’s house below, please share that too.

Altar On!

Kitty Cavalier

PS - Veronica Varlow is someone who taught me ALOT about finding the sacred and magic in the little things.  She is teaching a class at the School of Charm and Cheek March 23rd which is almost sold out.  I highly recommend this class if you would like to find beauty and magic in corners of your life that you would not have previously thought to look.

This is my bedroom dressing table.  Framing the mirror are necklaces , many of which were gifts, some which
were handmade by a dear friend.  On the dressing table are my favorite oils and lotions, handmade by my Mother. 

This Guest Altar belongs to my student Coco Chacnhil. It is an altar to Sacred Seduction that she created after taking my workshop.  It contains rose petals, chocolate, elegantly dressed fruit with goat cheese, the lyrics to a French song we learned in class, and a whole bunch of other personal items that mean something very special to her. 

This little bowl sits on my nightstand, and contains glass beads from  a vintage necklace, a stone from the driveway of my Dad's horse stable in South Carolina, and a nut that fell from a tree while vacationing with my husband in France.  I sprinkled a little glitter on it for additional sparkle. 

This altar is the first altar I ever made to honor Sacred seduction.  It has a green buddha lit up from below with white light, representing enlightenment with a little more pizazz than what we are accustomed to.  The word rejection is turned on it's head and covered with hearts to represent the belief that rejection is always a form of protection.  There are sweet watercolors to represent tenderness and vulnerability, sparkles and fur to represent making the old new again.  The marble carving reminds me of the Taj Mahal and honors the original archetypes of seduction. In the center, is an opera singer who is draped in red silk; a picture of pure passion in my eyes. 

I bought this when I was in Peru, and it graces a shelf in my bathroom, honoring true, long lasting love.

This is an altar, isn't it?? ;)

A gratitude altar for a successful Seduction class with my favorite Rumi poem "dance when you are broken open",  roses and a red candle from the classroom, and a variety of sacred objects surrounding the candle. 

This is a stone from the fire pit after my first fire ceremony at the Qoya Costa Rica retreat,  a piece of yarn from another ritual done in Costa Rica, a thank you charm that was a gift from a friend, and pink glitter to make everything shine.


This is in the home of my Mother in-law.  At first glance it is just an assembly of photos, but when looked at more closely it is an altar to family and love.  There are two photos of my nieces/her grandchildren, with a photo of her parents in the middle, and an album from our wedding under that, all placed on the piano where my husband learned to play his famous song "Ho-Down" as a kid.  So much sacredness on this altar!

  

Seduction Series #5: Make Me Want It (The Art of Seductive Savoring)

This is the final post in my Seduction Series, a series designed to inform my readers about living a life of Sacred Seduction.  It has been so much fun to write, and oh, do I have so much more to tell.

This past weeks assignment was to practice savoring. I will explain a bit more about what savoring really is in a moment, but first let’s look at an example of what savoring can do in the life of a seductress.

I have a student who has completely revolutionized her relationship to dating by adopting the mantra “come to me with diamonds or do not come at all”.  Previously she would accept dinner invitations to places she didn’t want to go, from people she didn’t want to see. By learning how to savor and expect only the things she really, really wants, she is able to weed out people and experiences that would previously waste her time. 

Simplicity can be so seductive

Another student is experiencing major shifts in the way she keeps her home.  She used to buy anything and everything that was on sale in an effort to fill her closets, shelves, and home full of stuff.  To her, seeing a visual of emptiness signified not having enough - it would be better to have a closet full of stuff she half-liked than just a few items she really enjoyed.  Since learning how to savor, she has done a major purge of her cluttered home, and now enjoys opening the closet to see one set of fine white cotton sheets, rather than 5 sets of (her words) ‘heinous florals’.  As a result of de-cluttering her home, the rest of her life has begun to de-clutter too. 

The measure of a true seductress is not how many people or objects she has seduced into her life. The lifestyle of a seductress is actually quite slim and simplified. She strictly surrounds herself with the objects, people, relationships, behaviors and experiences she truly treasures, rather than cluttering her life with what she does not really want just to please her ego. She achieves this by learning how to savor each experience, one moment at a time, gleaning maximum satisfaction before moving on to something new.

Others might call this “being in the present moment”.  But savoring is actually more than that, because savoring involves not just enjoying the experience itself, but a sensation we often ignore or even discard:  the sensation of wanting. 

An example:

Aww yeah grape!
Photo by Liz Linder

Let’s say you receive a text from the person you went out with last night whom you really like.  “Oh My God!” you think as you retrieve the phone from your back pocket where you have been making sure it is on and working all day.  You grab the phone, see the person’s name, and instantly open it to see what’s inside.

Now, imagine this playing out a little differently.  The phone buzzes.  You feel the anticipation of who it could possibly be.  You slowly pull your phone out of your pocket, feeling the anticipation the whole time.  You see that the person in question is the one who sent you a text.  Rather than tearing into the message, you force yourself to hold off on opening it for a whole ten seconds, savoring all the possibilities of what the message might say. Really, it could say anything, good or bad.  As a seductress, through savoring the anticipation, it doesn’t even matter what the message says.  You have already gotten what you wanted from the experience: the thrill and excitement of this person’s attention.  Those 10 seconds of savoring are yours.  No matter what the message says, no one can take that away from you.

Savoring can be the most challenging practices of living a life of Sacred Seduction. It is a practice that is often sabotaged by the instant gratification culture we live in.  Have you noticed that high is the new normal? If we are not constantly doing something, consuming, being entertained, etc. we get instantly frustrated and bored.  Savoring requires a seduction skill that is near-endangered species: patience.

Practicing savoring my pre-show jitters
backstage at Cherrybomb
Burlesque.  Being best friends
 with Vivi Le Voix helps.  

Patience is something that can be practiced, cultivated, and REALLY enjoyed, in addition to making you a much more pleasurable person to be around.  You know how it is when a person doesn’t get what they want, and they go from being a mature, grounded person into an insecure child.  “The skirt I ordered for my date on Saturday won’t be here until Monday???!! WHAT??!!!”  Or, they completely give up on themselves: “Oh, the soufflé takes an extra 15 minutes to make? I’ll just have a hamburger I guess”.  Or, they turn into a sweaty, wide-eyed, desperate werewolf:  “When am I going to hear about this job? They should have called me by today right? Call my phone and make sure it is working.  Send me an  email too, just in case.”

Oi!  Now I say they, but we all know who I am really talking about here, right?

ME! Savoring has been one of the hardest things to practice in seduction.  It has also been the most rewarding.  It has taught me that there is a whole valley of pleasure to be experienced between wanting and getting.  It has taught me to go for quality over quantity.  It has taught me to value and treasure the wholeness of an experience, not just the end result.  And this, like all sacred seduction techniques, so comes in handy when things go differently than expected. A seductress understands that there are things she can control, and things she cannot.  Through savoring we are given the freedom to surrender and give up control, opening us up to adventures we could have never even dreamed on our own.

Tell me in your comments: did you enjoy the practice of savoring the anticipation this week? If you haven't tried it, do so today and report back. I'm VERY interested to hear how it goes. 

This last lesson brings the seduction series to a close. Thank you for reading, commenting and doing the exercises. I learn so much from you. If you've enjoyed these posts and you'd like to hear all my Sacred Seduction Secrets (almost all), this coming weekend (February 1^st and 2^nd) is the last time I will be teaching Seduction Is A Spiritual Practice until the Fall.  Recently I had an amazing adventure in seduction as I sent my husband on a scavenger hunt to find me in NYC. If you’d like to hear that and other stories of mystery, intrigue and wanting, do join us in class Friday night. 

Blonde wigs are essential to Seduction Scavenger Hunts. Come hear the whole story this Friday night.